Hey everyone it's been awhile huh? Since my last huge post opening up about my PCOS I honestly was worried that I wouldn't be able to live up to my previous self's writing capabilities. I was surprised by how many people commented on how well written that post was! I am always a bit insecure about my writing and to me it's never REALLY perfect. I like to have a post sit for a few days before I even edit it just so I can have a more objective view when I reread it. But more often than not, I don't really want to read it all over again days later so I usually edit on the spot once I'm done. I'm sort of a dump writer. I just sit down, and dump out all the contents of my brain and heart and hope like hell it makes sense to someone other than me! I have been wanting to blog again for awhile now. In fact I have multiple posts that I've started writing and I've just kind of stopped and never finished them. They're saved on my computer and might see the light of day at some point, but I can't say for sure! I am a person who is capable of feeling very deeply but on a daily basis I usually don't let myself get into all that because let's be real, ain't nobody got time for that! And I really don't. I have virtually no free time and the little bit of time I do have I just want to Netflix and Hulu binge forever (BTW my newest shows are Jane the Virgin, Blindspot, and Reign - SO GOOD!)
Yes I go through standard emotions and self doubts and whatever else comes and goes with the days, but I don't often take time out to really connect deeply with my inner self. At least I haven't been recently and I think that's why I've been floundering a bit with well... Just about everything.
Before my dancing contract started along with my other various teaching jobs etc. I had a lot of time on my hands and for the most part I was using that time well. I was staying on top of my PD - Personal Development (reading books/listening to podcasts/watching motivational videos or anything similar to enrich my life, light a fire under my ass, and work on ME) and I was kind of on top of the world. While I wouldn't say that I'm now suddenly an unhappy person, (because I'm not) I do have to admit that I haven't been investing in me often enough by any means. Just to clarify: by saying 'invest in me' I don't mean buying a bunch of clothes, or spending money on me, I'm not talking about material or money things, I'm talking about my freaking SOUL.
So what sets your soul on fire? I'll admit that multiple things do for me, dancing absolutely does, being successful with my business does, helping people does, being a healthy person, taking care of myself and my surroundings does, and honestly being active, passionate, and loving does as well. Unfortunately nothing is quite that simple.
For instance, I love to help people but I find that when my head or heart is in the wrong place -ie I'm concentrating too much on what I want to get out of things and not investing myself in the process- not only am I not able to give my full self over into helping them, I'm also usually unsuccessful. My heart may be ultimately in the right place, but I let those other things get in the way and cloud my heart from others view because it's safer that way.
I love dancing but I feel a constant sense of inadequacy that comes from deep within me. It's from years of being in the studio day in and day out and always being told I was inadequate. I was never enough. I was never good enough and I essentially failed at everything before I even tried because my lack of belief in ME was so ingrained in me. It was the essence of my being. I'll be completely honest and say that after years of essentially verbal abuse, a lot of building myself back up into a capable human being stemmed from being with my husband. He pushed me to stop pitying myself and stop playing the victim. He taught me to see that I was capable of doing more and being better but I had to believe in ME first and foremost. No one else could do that for me but ME. It was a hard pill to swallow all those years ago but I'm glad that I did.
The problem is that (and I've talked about this in previous posts as well) being back in the ballet studio so regularly with such talented people is tough for me. It's not because I can't handle them being better than me, no in fact I'm very happy for them in that aspect. But it's because I start feeling sad for me again. I start feeling like that person who isn't capable of anything again. I start doubting me and everything that I have been building up in myself for the past 6 years or so. The difference is that I refuse to go back down that rabbit hole again! When this first started with the company and feeling like crap again I was pretty good about bouncing back and reading my PD to feel like a badass (You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero is amazing btw). But as I got more comfortable I started 'accepting' that I just wasn't as good as them and that was it. It doesn't help that I broke my toe last month which really had me feeling set back with a disadvantage. But it's just not true.
It's actually been almost exactly one year since I started dancing again. Part of me still can't even believe how far I've been able to come back into it. Even around this time last year I genuinely thought it would never be possible. I'm no prima ballerina by any means but I'm in a company and I'm working my butt off day in and day out. Except that now I am "back in shape" or so I should feel. I just have a hard time measuring if I've even gotten back up to the level I was when I stopped dancing back in 2008. How do you actually know if you're "back in shape"? I could go into all the stupid ways that I'm trying to figure it out but really it's all stupid and not worth my time or yours, so I'll stop.
When I think about the opportunities I've had, it genuinely bring me to tears. I can't help but think that I shouldn't even be able to do all that I still can and I'm so grateful. But at the same time, I need to do more, be more, and be better. For those of you who aren't dancers (which I can only assume is most of you) it's hard for me to explain, but feeling confident as a dancer is really really tough. I'll just leave it at that. I have done things in this lifetime that I genuinely never ever thought that I would. Like dancing on stage again, or putting my hair in a bun, or wearing a leotard and tights, or taking ballet class at all for instance. It's easy to forget about the past and where I came from, how much of a pipe dream it was to start dancing at all again even at this time last year. My life has entirely turned around and it has been an adjustment to say the least. Reality is never quite the same as our dreams but life is what you make of it. You can either live the reality of your dreams every damn day, or spend your days dreaming.
So back to my passion and the purpose of this post.
I have honestly probably used that word passion FAR too often on this blog, but I don't really care. What brought me back to writing and posting today is and was PASSION. Without passion my writing feels empty, mechanical, and meaningless. But with passion I can be myself, show my true colors, and let myself shine like I deserve to, and you deserve that too. I know more than anything that I really don't want to become that person again. The one who thinks she sucks and life and she's just unlucky or cursed. I've put way too much work into myself to let it all go down the toilet.
What I'm really saying is that while I'm happy and I love my life, I want to push for MORE. That doesn't mean living only for better roles in performances, it doesn't mean buying more meaningless crap, it means that I need to REALLY and GENUINELY start investing in me again. I have almost no free time ever these days. I mean really I feel like I'm constantly giving myself to everything and everyone else and whatever it is that I'm doing. But I need to realign myself, make sure to do my PD and never forget who I am on the inside. It doesn't matter who sees it, I need to remember to my core who it is that I am. Because my value comes from within and no one else can determine it but me.
I am infinite in passion.
This whole concept of doing PD daily and investing in myself is something I got from being a Beachbody coach. It's honestly something I never even considered doing before I became a coach but I really genuinely see the value in it. It's something that is easy to skip and look over. It's something that can easily be tossed aside and labeled as a waste of time. It's something that people may see little to no value in. But that is just not the case. Even today I ended up doing it really by accident. I was working on a video I'm recording about the coaching opportunity and while doing research by watching other top coaches videos on the subject I ended up watching one that really struck a chord within me and reminded me of something.
I own a business that has infinite potential.
And I want to explore that potential. I want more out of my business. With my busy schedule my business has become firmly planted on the back burner of my life. Yes I have been going through the motions but my heart hasn't been in it because I don't feel like I have the time. But if I really want to grow by business into what it's capable of becoming then I need to invest more into it. I need to invest ME into it. Investing more into my business goes 100% hand in hand with investing more in ME. You see by doing PD and working on me I AM working on my business. I'm making myself the best version of me that I can be so that I can guide others along their paths and journeys. I want to help people make their DREAMS come true while making mine come true at the same freaking time!
One of my dreams is to have a huge team of people who want the same things that I do. People who want to be the best freaking versions of themselves and to help others do the exact same thing in the process. I want to work together, build together, grow together. I want to go forward hand in hand and make an empire TOGETHER. Because while this business is mine, I cannot do it alone. I need a team of go getters, I need a team of pushers, I need a team that WANTS to excel and isn't afraid to try hard every day and to push boundaries! I need amazing people by my side who aren't going to let me put my business back onto the back burner. That's right, I need for you to push me. Yeah sure posting on IG or FB and getting likes or comments is great and builds my network. But life is just about so much more than that. And growing my business is about so much more than that. It's about more than money and it's about more than roles in a ballet performance. It's about people, and love, and making connections to last a lifetime. It's about taking ownership and being willing to be scared as hell but pushing through anyway for the sake of a better tomorrow. It's about learning, growing, and enjoying the dance even if no one ever watches you do it.
I have always wanted to bring people joy, and one way I believe I can do that is through dance. But another way I can do that is by helping people find their freedom in life so that they CAN concentrate on their love and joy and passions. I mean let's be real, we all need some financial freedom in order do what it is that we want to do with our lives. I know that I sure as hell do. Of course if your passion is to be a doctor and you're going to make bank following it, then good for you. You go Glen CoCo! But that's not the case for me, and I'm betting that it's not the case for you either. The good news? I'm ready for more. I'm busy and it's going to be hard but I want my reach to be far and vast and gosh there are SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE OUT THERE! I know this because I've met a lot of you virtually and it's been an amazing experience. Now I just need to stop sabotaging myself with laziness and self doubt and start becoming and doing and being the person I'm meant to be. Anyone can do this so why the hell not me? Why the hell not you? We all face obstacles but how you overcome them is what defines you as a person.
So who are you going to be today? Are you someone who wants to take this journey with me? I still have a long way to go and a long road to travel but I'd love to have you by my side. I have learned so much and I want to share that with you as a mentor and business partner. I really can't do this alone and neither can you. We all need to love and support each other in this journey called life and I'm really excited to see where the future is going to take us!
Will you take my hand and come along with me? I'm 100% serious. Please email me {thepaleoballerina@gmail.com} because if you're passionate and you want to take your life into your own hands then I want you by my side on my team. I want to do big things in this life and my ambitions are of epic proportions. SO let's help each other and do this thing together!
I hope you can feel my heart and soul in this post because it truly is on fire and I'm pouring it out here onto this virtual page. My cup is absolutely FULL right now. Full of love, passion, and purpose. I hope yours is too.
xoxo - Harmony