I am Infinite in Passion

Hey everyone it's been awhile huh? Since my last huge post opening up about my PCOS I honestly was worried that I wouldn't be able to live up to my previous self's writing capabilities. I was surprised by how many people commented on how well written that post was! I am always a bit insecure about my writing and to me it's never REALLY perfect. I like to have a post sit for a few days before I even edit it just so I can have a more objective view when I reread it. But more often than not, I don't really want to read it all over again days later so I usually edit on the spot once I'm done. I'm sort of a dump writer. I just sit down, and dump out all the contents of my brain and heart and hope like hell it makes sense to someone other than me! I have been wanting to blog again for awhile now. In fact I have multiple posts that I've started writing and I've just kind of stopped and never finished them. They're saved on my computer and might see the light of day at some point, but I can't say for sure! I am a person who is capable of feeling very deeply but on a daily basis I usually don't let myself get into all that because let's be real, ain't nobody got time for that! And I really don't. I have virtually no free time and the little bit of time I do have I just want to Netflix and Hulu binge forever (BTW my newest shows are Jane the Virgin, Blindspot, and Reign - SO GOOD!)

Yes I go through standard emotions and self doubts and whatever else comes and goes with the days, but I don't often take time out to really connect deeply with my inner self. At least I haven't been recently and I think that's why I've been floundering a bit with well... Just about everything.

Before my dancing contract started along with my other various teaching jobs etc. I had a lot of time on my hands and for the most part I was using that time well. I was staying on top of my PD - Personal Development (reading books/listening to podcasts/watching motivational videos or anything similar to enrich my life, light a fire under my ass, and work on ME) and I was kind of on top of the world. While I wouldn't say that I'm now suddenly an unhappy person, (because I'm not) I do have to admit that I haven't been investing in me often enough by any means. Just to clarify: by saying 'invest in me' I don't mean buying a bunch of clothes, or spending money on me, I'm not talking about material or money things, I'm talking about my freaking SOUL.

So what sets your soul on fire? I'll admit that multiple things do for me, dancing absolutely does, being successful with my business does, helping people does, being a healthy person, taking care of myself and my surroundings does, and honestly being active, passionate, and loving does as well. Unfortunately nothing is quite that simple.

For instance, I love to help people but I find that when my head or heart is in the wrong place -ie I'm concentrating too much on what I want to get out of things and not investing myself in the process- not only am I not able to give my full self over into helping them, I'm also usually unsuccessful. My heart may be ultimately in the right place, but I let those other things get in the way and cloud my heart from others view because it's safer that way.

I love dancing but I feel a constant sense of inadequacy that comes from deep within me. It's from years of being in the studio day in and day out and always being told I was inadequate. I was never enough. I was never good enough and I essentially failed at everything before I even tried because my lack of belief in ME was so ingrained in me. It was the essence of my being. I'll be completely honest and say that after years of essentially verbal abuse, a lot of building myself back up into a capable human being stemmed from being with my husband. He pushed me to stop pitying myself and stop playing the victim. He taught me to see that I was capable of doing more and being better but I had to believe in ME first and foremost. No one else could do that for me but ME. It was a hard pill to swallow all those years ago but I'm glad that I did.

The problem is that (and I've talked about this in previous posts as well) being back in the ballet studio so regularly with such talented people is tough for me. It's not because I can't handle them being better than me, no in fact I'm very happy for them in that aspect. But it's because I start feeling sad for me again. I start feeling like that person who isn't capable of anything again. I start doubting me and everything that I have been building up in myself for the past 6 years or so. The difference is that I refuse to go back down that rabbit hole again! When this first started with the company and feeling like crap again I was pretty good about bouncing back and reading my PD to feel like a badass (You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero is amazing btw). But as I got more comfortable I started 'accepting' that I just wasn't as good as them and that was it. It doesn't help that I broke my toe last month which really had me feeling set back with a disadvantage. But it's just not true.

It's actually been almost exactly one year since I started dancing again. Part of me still can't even believe how far I've been able to come back into it. Even around this time last year I genuinely thought it would never be possible. I'm no prima ballerina by any means but I'm in a company and I'm working my butt off day in and day out. Except that now I am "back in shape" or so I should feel. I just have a hard time measuring if I've even gotten back up to the level I was when I stopped dancing back in 2008. How do you actually know if you're "back in shape"? I could go into all the stupid ways that I'm trying to figure it out but really it's all stupid and not worth my time or yours, so I'll stop.

When I think about the opportunities I've had, it genuinely bring me to tears. I can't help but think that I shouldn't even be able to do all that I still can and I'm so grateful. But at the same time, I need to do more, be more, and be better. For those of you who aren't dancers (which I can only assume is most of you) it's hard for me to explain, but feeling confident as a dancer is really really tough. I'll just leave it at that. I have done things in this lifetime that I genuinely never ever thought that I would. Like dancing on stage again, or putting my hair in a bun, or wearing a leotard and tights, or taking ballet class at all for instance. It's easy to forget about the past and where I came from, how much of a pipe dream it was to start dancing at all again even at this time last year. My life has entirely turned around and it has been an adjustment to say the least. Reality is never quite the same as our dreams but life is what you make of it. You can either live the reality of your dreams every damn day, or spend your days dreaming.

So back to my passion and the purpose of this post.

I have honestly probably used that word passion FAR too often on this blog, but I don't really care. What brought me back to writing and posting today is and was PASSION. Without passion my writing feels empty, mechanical, and meaningless. But with passion I can be myself, show my true colors, and let myself shine like I deserve to, and you deserve that too. I know more than anything that I really don't want to become that person again. The one who thinks she sucks and life and she's just unlucky or cursed. I've put way too much work into myself to let it all go down the toilet.

What I'm really saying is that while I'm happy and I love my life, I want to push for MORE. That doesn't mean living only for better roles in performances, it doesn't mean buying more meaningless crap, it means that I need to REALLY and GENUINELY start investing in me again. I have almost no free time ever these days. I mean really I feel like I'm constantly giving myself to everything and everyone else and whatever it is that I'm doing. But I need to realign myself, make sure to do my PD and never forget who I am on the inside. It doesn't matter who sees it, I need to remember to my core who it is that I am. Because my value comes from within and no one else can determine it but me.

I am infinite in passion.

This whole concept of doing PD daily and investing in myself is something I got from being a Beachbody coach. It's honestly something I never even considered doing before I became a coach but I really genuinely see the value in it. It's something that is easy to skip and look over. It's something that can easily be tossed aside and labeled as a waste of time. It's something that people may see little to no value in. But that is just not the case. Even today I ended up doing it really by accident. I was working on a video I'm recording about the coaching opportunity and while doing research by watching other top coaches videos on the subject I ended up watching one that really struck a chord within me and reminded me of something.

I own a business that has infinite potential.

And I want to explore that potential. I want more out of my business. With my busy schedule my business has become firmly planted on the back burner of my life. Yes I have been going through the motions but my heart hasn't been in it because I don't feel like I have the time. But if I really want to grow by business into what it's capable of becoming then I need to invest more into it. I need to invest ME into it. Investing more into my business goes 100% hand in hand with investing more in ME. You see by doing PD and working on me I AM working on my business. I'm making myself the best version of me that I can be so that I can guide others along their paths and journeys. I want to help people make their DREAMS come true while making mine come true at the same freaking time!

One of my dreams is to have a huge team of people who want the same things that I do. People who want to be the best freaking versions of themselves and to help others do the exact same thing in the process. I want to work together, build together, grow together. I want to go forward hand in hand and make an empire TOGETHER. Because while this business is mine, I cannot do it alone. I need a team of go getters, I need a team of pushers, I need a team that WANTS to excel and isn't afraid to try hard every day and to push boundaries! I need amazing people by my side who aren't going to let me put my business back onto the back burner. That's right, I need for you to push me. Yeah sure posting on IG or FB and getting likes or comments is great and builds my network. But life is just about so much more than that. And growing my business is about so much more than that. It's about more than money and it's about more than roles in a ballet performance. It's about people, and love, and making connections to last a lifetime. It's about taking ownership and being willing to be scared as hell but pushing through anyway for the sake of a better tomorrow. It's about learning, growing, and enjoying the dance even if no one ever watches you do it.

I have always wanted to bring people joy, and one way I believe I can do that is through dance. But another way I can do that is by helping people find their freedom in life so that they CAN concentrate on their love and joy and passions. I mean let's be real, we all need some financial freedom in order do what it is that we want to do with our lives. I know that I sure as hell do. Of course if your passion is to be a doctor and you're going to make bank following it, then good for you. You go Glen CoCo! But that's not the case for me, and I'm betting that it's not the case for you either. The good news? I'm ready for more. I'm busy and it's going to be hard but I want my reach to be far and vast and gosh there are SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE OUT THERE! I know this because I've met a lot of you virtually and it's been an amazing experience. Now I just need to stop sabotaging myself with laziness and self doubt and start becoming and doing and being the person I'm meant to be. Anyone can do this so why the hell not me? Why the hell not you? We all face obstacles but how you overcome them is what defines you as a person.

So who are you going to be today? Are you someone who wants to take this journey with me? I still have a long way to go and a long road to travel but I'd love to have you by my side. I have learned so much and I want to share that with you as a mentor and business partner. I really can't do this alone and neither can you. We all need to love and support each other in this journey called life and I'm really excited to see where the future is going to take us!

Will you take my hand and come along with me? I'm 100% serious. Please email me {thepaleoballerina@gmail.com} because if you're passionate and you want to take your life into your own hands then I want you by my side on my team. I want to do big things in this life and my ambitions are of epic proportions. SO let's help each other and do this thing together!

I hope you can feel my heart and soul in this post because it truly is on fire and I'm pouring it out here onto this virtual page. My cup is absolutely FULL right now. Full of love, passion, and purpose. I hope yours is too.

xoxo - Harmony

Monthly Au Natural Beauty Tip!

August's beauty tip isn't 100% about beauty per say but let's be honest beauty is about a hell of a lot more than how your hair or makeup looks! No no, today's tip goes a bit further than skin deep. I have actually been planning on writing this tip for awhile, be we all know how bad I am with blogging consistency! Okay well today's tip is all about your pits. Yes, I'm talking about those stinky things that sit under your arms causing problems for everyone. You have to shave em all the time, worry about them smelling, plus you have to worry that they aren't obscenely sweaty! No one really likes to talk about armpits and body odor but honestly it needs to be done so here we go. It can be hard to eliminate all chemicals from your routine, and especially in pits area. I personally thought natural deodorants were WAY too hippy dippy and crunchy for my liking so I kind of ignored the subject altogether for a long time into my healthy journey. But once I actually read WHY it was important to make the changes, I decided to go for it. It was actually some time last summer that I made the change.

For those with acne, something as simple as changing your deodorant can actually have a huge impact on your life. There have been so many studies linking antiperspirant deodorant to cancer, that we don't even stop to think about the simple ways that those chemicals can effect us. There are a truck load of other toxic chemicals that your body is absorbing through the glands and lymph nodes that sit in your armpits when you apply standard deodorant. This toxic load applies to not only antiperspirant deodorant, but even "natural" deodorants like Toms actually have a lot of chemicals in them that I personally don't want being absorbed into my body.

I mean if you're working so hard to eat healthy, workout, and just generally be as healthy as possible, then why would you work against yourself but shoving a bunch of chemicals right back into your body through your deodorant? Doesn't make much sense now does it?

I would like to mention quickly that getting rid of ALL the chemicals in your life can help balance your hormones and for those of you on here with skin issues, it can help you clear your skin. I'm dead serious, it's a VERY important skincare change to make. And it's an easy one at that!

Detoxing your lymph nodes through your armpits (as pictured above) is another great practice and something I will touch more on another month. In general though know that it's a great way to start the transition to natural deodorants since it helps eliminate odor and detox your armpits. Anyway, for now let's concentrate on making you not stinky with natural deodorant! Personally when I found out about how toxic deodorant was - specifically that it was messing with my hormones - I stopped using it altogether. It actually kind of shocks me that NO ONE told me I smelled bad during that time period even though I knew that I freaking did! Thanks for that guys! That's totally not an important detail, but I just refused to use toxic crap to make myself not smell. I did do the whole coconut oil and baking soda thing on and off for awhile but not only did it irritate my skin, it also wasn't particularly effective for long periods of time, and especially if you workout like I do.

In case I haven't convinced you yet, here's just an example of how terrible antiperspirant deodorant is... I was in a wedding last October and the night before the big day my friends and I stayed overnight at a hotel and I happened to have forgotten my natural deodorant (that I'll name below). I was a bridesmaid in the wedding and I couldn't afford to be stinky!! So for the first time in months I borrowed and used some regular deodorant. Dun dun dunnnnnn! I know, drama! Anyway, it was a HUGE mistake! I had a terrible migraine the entire day after I used it and it actually didn't even help to mask the smell or make me sweat any less. I remember being so confused as to why I felt so sick, because I never get migraines. Then later I put the pieces together. The only thing I had done out of the ordinary in my routine was the stupid deodorant. It had that large of an impact on me because I hadn't used it in so long. That stuff is crap. And it's toxic crap. Throw it in the trash, like now!

There's just one more thing I'd like to point out before geting to the point that you're all waiting for... I would really like to point out that it is natural to sweat. I am not here to give you tips on not sweating because trying to not sweat is one of the most unnatural things I have ever heard of. We have sweat glands for a reason. I mean come on, let's be real here. Also if your body is in good standing then your sweat should not smell rancid. For me when my sweat begins to smell bad I know that something is off in my system and my body is trying to regulate it.

Even so that doesn't mean that sweat can magically smell like fresh cut grass, or flowers blooming in the springtime which is of course what we all want. For that I have product recommendations of course and I'm finally getting to them!

August Beauty Tip - Natural Deodorants!

1. Dragonfly Traditions - my personal favorite and the only deodorant I use. I have a travel size stick I keep in my dance bag and a full size one I keep at home in the lavender scent. I mean this stuff works so well and it lasts all day most days! Sometimes I reapply at ballet but it really depends on the day. LOVE IT! I also use their lip balm and it's amazing. The best part is that the price is good and the products all have long lifespans! And duh the ingredients are CLEAN!
2. Primal Pit Paste - I personally haven't used them but a lot of people in the Paleo community love their products. Ingredients are totally clean although I can't personally vouch for their effectiveness! I would still buy from them without any qualms.
3. Primally Pure - They use natural ingredients like beef tallow which I think is awesome! But they're the same deal as above, I haven't personally used their products although I think they have amazing ones!
4. If you have no other option then you can do the good ol at home method of coconut oil and baking soda. Just be careful with the baking soda since it can irritate freshly shaven skin.

So, treat your armpits right and don't kill them with chemicals! Also I truly hope you don't shave them with chemical shaving creams or soaps either! Here's a quick hint: use Dr. Bronners mixed with coconut milk, or just use the Dr. Bronners castille soap instead of shaving cream!

Well that all from me for now, until next time my dear followers! Also as usual if you have any questions or comments or whatever feel free to reach out to me! thepaleoballerina@gmail.com

xoxo- Harmony

Confession: I have PCOS

That statement above is not going to come as a surprise for many of you but for me, it's the first time online that I've actually 100% claimed my PCOS publicly. For those of you that don't know, PCOS stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It means that I have little cysts lining my ovaries like a ‘string of pearls’ (that's how my doctor described it). In past blog posts I had eluded to certain "other health stuff" going on in my life but I never actually had the balls to come right out and say that I have this crap. It's sort of terrifying to put it all out there because so much comes along with PCOS. Of course there are the physical symptoms like thinning hair, acne, excess hair, and weight gain, but the symptoms that are harder to talk about deal more with irregular menstrual cycles, high risk of ovarian cancer, highly unpredictable emotional tendencies, and the biggest of all for me is miscarriage and infertility.

You see as a woman with PCOS, instead of ovulating and having a normal cycle, my ovaries instead produce cysts. I don’t think I’ve had this for my entire life. I’ve just about always had acne and I had SOME cycle irregularities in my teens but for the most part everything always seemed normal. I believe it came about after being on the pill for so long but in reality I’ll never really know. There is no known cause for PCOS but I’m convinced that it’s from years of having the pill messing with my endocrine system. PCOS is also heavily associated with insulin resistance and people who have a very hard time losing weight. Okay – so those are really just the facts of PCOS. Now I’m going to share with you my own journey with it and how my life has changed because of it.

This is going to get really personal so if you don’t want to know, I suggest you just stop reading now.

As most of you know, I started my healthy journey in 2013. My entire life I always ate terribly and could get away with it for the most part because I was so active with ballet, and because I have some good genes. Even at that point in 2013, I was 25lbs heavier than I ever had been in my life but I was actually just in the “normal” or “average” range as far as every measurement goes. But I felt disgusting. I sat on my butt at work all day, I was eating at least 2 FULL SIZED candy bars a day, I ate pasta with any kind of cheesy, creamy sauces like it was my job, and sugar was probably my main food group in addition to bread and literally any pasta I could get my sticky little hands on. I was a carb monster. But then I saw a picture of myself one and I realized… WOAH, I’m kind of big. Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I was actually fat, but for me, in my life, with my frame, I was the biggest I had ever been and it was uncomfortable. Not to mention I genuinely felt physically disgusting on the regular. I realized that if I wanted to be having kids in the next 2-3 years (this was in January 2013) that I needed to change things. I wanted to have healthy children. I did not want my future children to pay for my own selfish, gross, unhealthy habits. So I did the master cleanse in February 2013. I lost 13lbs and my skin did not break out even once during the entire duration of the cleanse. I was SO HAPPY! I had so much energy and I mean I just felt amazing again finally. I started eating whole grain, cutting out processed foods, and cut out all dairy from my diet except yogurt. Then I did the master cleanse again about 6 months later in late July into early August 2013. I documented my entire experience with my second round on You Tube also if you want to watch those FYI the video and sound quality is terrible on them, but you can find them HERE!  I actually ended up losing a bit more weight than I wanted to that time around and I almost stopped early but decided not to. Because failure is not an option, duh. It was during this cleanse that I found out about the paleo diet. My initial reaction? “I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!!” I legitimately believed that I could never ever cut out GRAINS. That meant I had to say good bye to freaking PASTA!? And BREAD!? What would life mean without pasta and bread in it!? I might lose the will to live!!

But one interesting thing about the master cleanse is that while not eating I would get very inspired about what I wanted to eat once I could eat again. I started researching paleo recipes and came across some websites that showed me PALEO BREAD! Once I saw that I knew I could do it.

So I came off the master cleanse and started following a paleo diet. In November 2013 (same year still) I decided to get off the pill – remember my initial goal: to have healthy babies one day. I wanted to be ABLE to get preggers whenever I wanted to do so. So I got off the pill not thinking much of it. Little did I know just how much my life would change because of this one decision. You have no idea til this day how GRATEFUL I am that I made this decision because pretty much all hell broke loose after the fact. I started getting acne again, and I don’t mean some pimples, I mean ACNE. I started spotting and just figured it would take a while for my cycle to regulate. My weight was still low since I maintained a low weight after the master cleanses despite the fact that I was eating A LOT of really healthy nutritious foods.

Fast forward about 9 months to almost exactly one year ago, July 2014. My weight was still low, I was exercising like crazy with bikram, I was eating paleo, doing everything “right” but I was STILL spotting and my skin was at its peak of just really terribleness. I finally went to see my OB for my annual and told her what had been going on. She ordered some blood tests and based on my testosterone levels from that test she ordered an ultrasound. She also gave me some progesterone pills in the meantime to “trick” my body into thinking it was pregnant so that when I stopped taking them I would get a period. Then after two nail biting weeks of waiting for my ultrasound results (the results had been sent to the wrong place originally) I got a phone call at work and my OB informed me that I have PCOS. I remember that moment so distinctly. I had been keeping a positive outlook until then, hoping and assuming that nothing would really be wrong with me. But it turns out there was something wrong with me. I was speechless. My world was crashing down around me right before my eyes. The options I was given over the phone were A) I could get back on the pill in order to have a period. B) I could take progesterone pills every 3 months to induce a period, or C) when or if I wanted to have children we could start treatments.

Needless to say I hung up the phone feeling utterly lost and defeated. I went to my cubicle and tried to cry as silently as I possibly could. I was so scared to even tell my husband, the only word I kept thinking was: infertile. I felt like I was no longer a woman. I felt like there was no way that my husband would still be attracted me after finding this out. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt lost and depressed. Of course I told him anyway over skype chat while at work and I just genuinely felt like I had failed at the most basic thing I could do and that was just being a woman. My husband has been nothing but supportive and amazing through this entire ordeal even though I'm sure it's been hard on him as well. So much has changed since then but even now as I remember all of this, I’m sobbing. It took me a very long time to get over the feeling of inadequacy. I was convinced that my husband would leave me for a more ‘complete’ and fertile woman that I was not. Having crazy acne, crazy hormones, and thinning hair didn’t help with these feelings of course. I felt like the epitome of an unattractive woman. I had struggled with self-confidence issues my entire life largely because of having acne. Partially of course it was because I went to boarding ballet school with drop dead gorgeous friends that I felt I could never live up to or be cool enough to fit in with despite the fact that we were friends. I literally used to say “well love is blind, and it’s because they love me that they can look past the fact that I’m so unattractive”. I of course always felt fat in high school, that’s just the nature of the ballet world, but my insecurities ran so much deeper than that. I had lived for 5 years in another country where my differences were constantly pointed out and made fun of. I would never ever be able to fully fit in there because I was different from them. All of these past insecurities contributed to my feelings of inadequacy when I heard my diagnosis. Back to the story at hand - I of course turned to doctor google and found essentially NOTHING helpful. Every site just said: eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight. Well I was already way thin, exercising all the time, and I was already eating crazy healthy. I also found plenty of support sites with women complaining about this and that and I wallowed in self-pity for a few days. I wanted to be sad and mourn. But then it was like I flipped a switch. I was still lost but knew I had to just keep doing what I was doing because the options I was given WERE NOT acceptable to me. So I did just that. I changed around some supplements, pulled back from doing bikram a bit, and did the 21 day sugar detox a few times which all contributed to helping my body heal and my skin finally started getting better although it wasn’t clear by any means. I told VERY few people about my PCOS because I was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to think that there was something wrong with me. Even right now my parents, my in-laws, and most of my siblings know nothing about all of this. Anyway so for over a year I spotted nonstop. I took those progesterone pills and had one period from them in 2014 but it just lead back into spotting so I don’t even count it as a cycle since it wasn’t the real thing but was just drug induced. I started dancing again in late November 2014 which was great, and in January 2015 I decided to do an Autoimmune Protocol Whole 30. I figured, why the hell not, this way I could figure out if my problems were autoimmune or diet based. I also finally went to a Naturopath and Functional Medicine Doctor. I’ve posted about all of this on my blog, I just never admitted that it was for PCOS. At that point my skin was really quite clear, especially with the AIP Whole 30 but I still needed answers. I still needed to be a normal functioning woman. We did extensive blood tests; my testosterone levels were just CRAZY high and based on everything else we found in the blood tests I was given about a 3 month supply of supplements that cost me about $1000. The appointments alone were not covered by insurance and cost about $475. Needless to say, this was all costing me a pretty penny but I felt it was 100% worth it. I just wanted to have a cycle dammit!

I started the supplements and a week later the spotting stopped. I put on about 5lbs which is next to nothing but was still noticeable to me, and about 3 days later I got my period for the first time in ONE YEAR AND THREE MONTHS!!!! So. Much. Happiness. My cycle became about 45 days long (which is abnormally long but still something) I went back for a follow up 3 months later in April and had no complaints. I was dancing again, I signed a contract to join a ballet company in the fall and I knew that I needed to quit my terrible desk job to make that happen. These were all good things! Unfortunately the very next day I started spotting again. Honestly though, I was sort of in denial about it. I figured I would get my period again soon and maybe it was just a little light right now. I was supposed to be reducing my supplements a little so I continued with the plan. In the midst of all this I found out about Beachbody through my coach Meredith and was looking into ingredients in Shakeology and starting at home workouts and becoming a coach. I was super skeptical but I decided to just freaking go for it – it was pretty much exactly what I had been looking for handed to me on a silver platter. I just believe that everything happens for a reason and I knew this opportunity hadn’t presented itself to me by coincidence. So I decided that I was going to do something crazy. I decided to STOP TAKING ALL MY SUPPLEMENTS. For me this was the ultimate test. Would my skin stay clear? What would happen with my cycles? I was spotting again anyway so why not try. So I did. I started doing the workouts, I dedicated myself to PiYo (which is amazing ballet cross training btw) and drank my Chocolate Vegan Shakeology every day. To my genuine surprise, a few days after starting with all this my spotting stopped. Within my first week of drinking Shakeology and stopping all other supplements I had a period again! Since then my cycles are back to 45 days which again is abnormally long but IT’S A FREAKING CYCLE. I’m able to exercise and cross train at home in addition to help my ballet career. I eat healthy and further nourish myself and keep my PCOS in check with Shakeo. My skin is still clear despite some small breakouts here and there. Of course my skin is quite scarred, but that will take time to heal and I honestly don’t mind it very much. It’s a reminder of where I came from. I’m not perfect and my diet is far from perfect but I try by best and that’s all I can ask of myself. Most importantly I’m freaking happy and I want to share this with the world. There’s no cure for PCOS but you can heal yourself and manage your symptoms naturally. I swear your LIFESTYLE is the freaking key to all of it. I want to help you achieve what I’ve been able to. It’s been messy, and it’s been crazy but it’s me and it’s my life. This is my PCOS journey and my PCOS story. It is unique to me just as your story is unique to you.

I knew when I was diagnosed as well as now that we weren’t trying to have children but even so, knowing that you are infertile is a hard pill to swallow. I know I’m going to need help when the time does come. I did a lot of research and decided that when the time came I would try acupuncture (which I still plan to do whenever we actually do TRY to conceive) to help with natural conception. If I’m being completely honest though, even to this day, right here and right now, I still feel ashamed of being the one with the “problem” when it comes to fertility. I have no idea if we’ll be able to conceive or if I’ll miscarry (PCOS miscarriage rate is at about 40% - 80%). Even reading that back to myself terrifies me! Part of me still doesn’t want my family or everyone in my life to know about all of this. Fully admitting it is HARD. But the bigger part of me knows that I have to do this if I want to be able to help people going through the same thing. I have to be brave for them, not for me, but for them, for YOU. So here I am, this is me. I’ve just put almost everything on the table, what you do with it is your decision. With the help of Beachbody I finally have a platform to help people. I finally have tools that can help you like they helped me. Don’t give up, there is hope yet! I’ve emerged from this all the better for it. I’m happy, healthy, and confident in myself and my own abilities, life is beautiful and amazing and I plan to continue living it to the fullest!

Until next time,

xoxo - Harmony

Cracking nuts and toes

Amidst my schedule that has been unbelievably busy recently I seem to have found myself with some free time. I've been heavily immersed in the world of ballet. I'm currently at a dress rehearsal for a show that I may or may not be dancing in. This is what we in the ballet call being an understudy. I already danced two performances last weekend but alas here I am again this weekend saying 'to dance or not to dance, that is the question.' It's amazing though the magic that happens in a theater and on a stage. When all the pieces come together the result is something that cannot be simply explained, it must be experienced.

Okay let me back up a little bit. Last time I posted was probably a good 2-3 weeks ago and I was just done with my first week of getting back into ballet classes. Well an amazing opportunity was presented to me after an injury occurred at a studio I took class at and here I am, having done two performances as their sugar plum fairy. I'm still only about 3 weeks into taking classes and the grand pas is HARD. Plus I'm in shock that this actually happened at all. I never imagined landing a role period let alone one line this... And so soon. That coupled with a few other complications and circumstances has my body begging for mercy. I had to learn the entire pas -a version I had never even seen before- in a week and be able to perform it. Talk about pressure... Then from crazy blisters, to dead point shoes, randomly swollen feet, uncomfortable nude leotards, stage makeup, brand new tights that ripped on stage and a slew of other factors this whole experience has been a whirlwind.

I've met a lot of great people, pushed myself in ways I did not foresee, and it's been great. It really has. There's been plenty of drama and discomfort that's gone along with all of it but I feel blessed. I had one performance that felt like a train wreak in which my my shoes died during the pas, and my tights literally caught on my partners costume on stage and ripped a big hole in my butt. But more importantly I felt incomplete, defeated, and disappointed in myself after the fact. I didn't feel elated, or even a little bit happy for having performed and survived. I knew I could do better which was frustrating but more importantly I also knew that I hadn't done well. But that second performance was magic.

Everything came together on stage. It still wasn't anywhere near perfect but with how out of shape I am, I was never expecting perfection. All things considered, this time I felt it. I felt the happiness, satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment that I have been accustomed to feeling after performing. That feeling is what I'm doing all of this for. Life is a funny thing, it reveals its meaning to you when you least expect it.

Okay well I need to be ready to dance just in case so I should probably do that. Did I mention that this show is sold out?? Crazy right!? We'll see what happens, I'm fine whatever way this goes. My body would be relieved if I didn't have to dance, that's for sure... Well until next time...

Xoxo - Harmony

Here We Gooooo

I'm suffering from writers block and a lack of creativity big time. I've started writing multiple blog posts but they just haven't been "working". I hope to finish those up (they have some recipes and a bunch of fun tid bits so keep an eye out for those!) and get them posted but right now I just feel like I NEED to put something new out there. Sometimes life gets like this... We get into slumps, go down dark paths, or we just go slightly off course and sometimes we just feel lazy and don't care. At the end of August I was at a place where I was on my A game with my diet. This has been a very healthy and successful summer for me! I had completed two 21DSD's almost 2 months in a row, plus a 30 day bikram yoga challenge. I was going to bed early and getting epic amount of sleep. I was trying SO hard, making so much effort... Keeping my house super clean, just all over all around being really freaking productive. Really. Anyway, apparently along with the beginning of this blog and my birthday I've kind let that go a bit. I've been eating sugar again (not in large amounts but STILL), i've been drinking again (also not in large amount but STILL), which are both bad for my insulin regulation. Tisk tisk on me. I've been eating gluten free items instead of grain free far too often and generally I just have been lazy. Too lazy to write a full blown creative and witty blog post. Too lazy to do any cleaning at home beyond the basics... Too lazy to do much beyond watching Netflix in the evenings and going to and from work. Oh yes then there's work. Work has been CRAZY busy. I feel like I've been working nonstop and at the end of the day guess what? I still have more work to do. I do have some really amazing coworker friends whom I LOVE! They make it all so much better, but still work is work. This post is in no way meant to be taken as a complaint or anything like that. I am a happy person, and I do honestly love my life. I just really honestly felt like I needed to get SOMETHING out there on this blog before it dies. I don't want it to die. I like what I've started here and I hope to continue and grow it. For now I can honestly say that I am so happy I took the time out to write this. I'm happy to get something out of my brain onto electronic paper. It feel good. It feels right. So thank you my fictitious readers for existing in a way that I need you to today. In a way that I can rely on.

Thank you thank you.

Hugs and loves- Harmony

It takes two baybayy

Hello there again! I hope you enjoyed my first post, from here on out I’ll try to mix things up a little bit. I’m going to give you the past few days in review and try not to get too long winded! Who knows I might throw in some more tid bits here and there but I’m still new to this blogging thing and trying to figure out where I fit into this blogosphere and where I want things to go. Okay well I worked from home on Monday and the hubs and I went to Glory Days for a post birthday Happy Hour to watch the Monday night football game. It was Giants Vs Lions (I’m a patriots fan so you can stop reading right now if that offends you). Full disclosure here: I’m in a fantasy football league with my husband and some of our friends. I’m the only female in the league and last year I did HORRIBLY despite honestly having a pretty good lineup. We just finished week one with the games last night in which I had two players (Victor Cruz on the Giants and Larry Fitzgerald on the Cardinals) in play. They’re normally awesome players mind you best yesterday? They each only get me TWO POINTS! Needless to say I lost my game this week. My team is where good player’s careers come to die.

Another important note, while blogging and working from home yesterday (Monday) I had the show “The League” on all day in the background. That show makes me want to be amazing at fantasy football and gosh just makes me want to learn more about all the individual players. Super crude show. Also super funny if you like that sort of thing. But I’ll say it’s not for the sensitive type as it’s a bit… UH let’s say ‘out there’. But I love it! This is what I get for growing up with only brothers… Some guy like tendencies and sense of humor.

                                                                           

Okay enough about that… SO back to Happy Hour… I was not a very good healthy example at Happy Hour! I had two tall Angry Orchards (Gluten Free Apple Cider) on tap (they were only $3.99! Too good to pass up!) and I decided to splurge since it was my birthday and on my birthday the craziest thing I ate was freaking SUSHI. Which yeah, not so crazy besides the rice and sugar they put in the rice mixture. But I digress…. At happy hour we went with some boneless grilled wings (I’m sure the sauce had some sugar and crap in it) off the gluten free menu and I got a USDA Prime Beef and Bacon Burger on a Gluten Free bun with a side of steamed veggies. No condiments and no cheese. Now normally I’m SO good about being grain free. But again back to the whole wanting a birthday splurge thing, so I got a GF bun damn it! Now here’s where it really gets bad… We got a Gluten Free Chocolate Torte for dessert. Yes I know haters gonna hate, but it was quite yummy! You know what the funny thing is though?

               

I had so convinced myself that I was missing out on these things that I wasn’t eating that I thought having moderately SAFER or healthier versions of them would make me happy. In reality while eating them I realized that I would’ve been just as happy if not happier with a damn lettuce wrap. I also would’ve been totally happy not having the dessert. I’m not taking back the drinks though, those I enjoyed the hell out of to the last drop.

But I ended up feeling gross. My body physically felt gross because I ate lord only knows how many shitty things for me in those dishes, but then there came the guilt. The ‘why the hell did I do that to myself?’ I know feeling guilt about food is wrong, but my relationship with food is oh so complicated. I currently have an amazing relationship and control over my healthy food. My paleo/primal/ REAL FOOD lifestyle is awesome. I’m super happy with it honestly, despite the occasional frustrations and the fact that I’m still getting to know my body and working out the kinks it does make me happy living this way.

That being said I’m not over feeling guilt when I “cheat” on my ‘diet’ (I hate calling it a diet). For me “cheating” can even mean having something sweeter than a green apple or a green tipped banana (from 21DSD). I have hormone problems that I THINK are related to insulin, and my thyroid, therefore I try to avoid sugar in every way shape and form. I also take some supplements but I'll go into that another time. I feel good when eat this way. Sometimes I honestly don’t know the difference. But I know when I eat something sugary I feel bad which tells me something.

Then of course there are the breakouts. Possibly for me the MOST frustrating part of my “cheats”. It’s frustrating to see people being extremely unhealthy but having perfect skin. That’s literally 99% of the people I encounter in life. I love those people (at least the ones I know) but man! How annoying is that!? What I wouldn’t give to just have clear skin WHILE being healthy and making good choices. Sometimes the bodies we’re given feel like a freaking curse. But in other ways I know that I’m super blessed with my body. Who knows, if it wasn’t acne than maybe I would struggle with something else? Who’s to say really…?

Regardless this went in a direction I didn’t initially intend! One last note on my complicated relationship with food and why I like to describe it as complicated. If you remember from my previous post, I’m a ballet dancer on the inside. I may not dance regularly currently but there’s no getting that out of your system. I had YEARS of constant dieting in unhealthy ways and still never feeling good enough. I had years that I just knew I was huge (I wasn’t actually) but I couldn’t get over that. I’m glad to be in a better, healthy place now but there’s still a little person inside who’s terrified of getting fat. These things take time to heal and I’ll get there.

Sheesh I wanted a lighthearted post talking about just how much fun I genuinely had with my husband at happy hour (and boy did I have fun) but this took a different turn. Eating what I did was a liberating experience because realized that I’m NOT missing out. I’m making the decisions I want to make and they’re good ones. I’m doing what’s best for me and I don’t need to justify this to people, nor do I need their approval to eat what I know is best for me. I don’t need the crap in general. Period.

So my fictional readers, today appreciate your diet. Whether it be healthy or maybe not so healthy. Embrace the fact that we’re here on this earth and we can CHOOSE what we freaking eat. We are privileged as hell to even have information available to us to make good decisions. Don’t be ignorant, do your research. Care enough to think about what you’re putting into your life machine-your body. And just because you “can’t” eat things that others “can” doesn’t always mean you’re deprived. You may surprise yourself and realize that the things you keep wishing you could go back to eating and fanaticizing about… *Hold on make sure you’re sitting down for this one* aren’t actually as magical as you remember them to be. Sometimes, you might not even like them anymore because you KNOW BETTER, and so do your taste buds. And you like better. Hell, you LOVE better. And honestly that’s all we can ever strive to be: better than we were before. Don’t strive for perfection, perfection is in an opinion. Strive for your personal better, strive for forward progress or upward progress, or sideways progress but strive for progress. Live for your happiness, not a happiness defined by anyone OR anything else. Strive for YOU.

Rant over *drops mic and walks off stage*

Xo! Harmony

Here's to new beginnings

Well here we are. Me as the writer/author of this here brand spankin new blog and you as a probably nonexistent reader that currently resides in my imagination. This is already off to a great start (starting off my first sentence with typos? #winning there's a lot to look forward to here). If I'm being completely honest, I'm not 100% sure what direction I'm going to be taking this blog in. I have had people asking me often if I blog because I post a lot of foodie pics on my Instagram. But I don't know that this blog will be centered on food or my paleo lifestyle.

Okay I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself here so let me give you some background info!

My name is Harmony. That's me in those pictures above. Yes, I have a hippie/musical/unique name that is spelled just like the word so please let's not get confused here. I've gotten the same questions repeatedly about my name (mostly in the customer service sector) so I'll try to answer them here before moving on, and in order to save your fingers and brain from wondering what people often do when they hear my name. 1) "Were your parents hippies?" Well here's the answer... KINDA. I think my Mom was more of a hippy than my oh so British father, but apparently my Dad chose the name. I really don't know why but I love it so yay Dad! 2) "Are you musical?" Answer: Another underwhelming KINDA. I love music, have a decent voice when I chose to make it sound pretty but I'm not about to be on a singing competition wowing the audience and giving them chills and teary eyes with all its glory. Yeah, not so much. I play guitar but not well, and I never practice. Ironically I sorta suck at harmonies and I can't play the harmonica. Obviously I'm a music star. 3) "Do you make everything like... Peaceful?" Answer: UH KINDA? I've heard I can have a calming energy and seem pretty stable and even tempered and I'm not gonna lie I HATE conflict (I really shouldn't be blogging with all the haters out there right?) but I don't think I'm a "peace maker" as my name might imply.

I hope that cleared up any questions or confusion you may have had regarding my name. If you've got another one feel free to ask away in the comments section!

I've already gotten far too long winded with the shortest and simplest of tasks: Defining this blog and telling you a bit about myself... But really this is my space to express myself and let my sometimes creative juices flow. I hope to post weekly but hey, don't hold me to that. I also hope to not bore (or boar for that matter) people's brains and hope that someone might actually read this thing sometime. The thought is both exciting and daunting. I know I can't write too much at once or no one will ever come back. We're all busy, and reading is a time commitment that not many are willing to make these days, trust me I get it! It is for that very reason that I tend to feel almost guilty when I see I'm typing far too much and going on far too long. Our brains are vast and thoughts are many (yeah, yeah insert 10% usage thing and the movie "Lucy" reference). Though they may not all be profound thoughts, you've got to admit that sometimes "What am I going to wear today?" can be an all consuming internal debate.

Now the spark-notes version of ME... Partially because I need to get to work (I'm working from home today.. Yay!) and partially because I can go into greater detail later. I plan to make this a long term relationship and not a one night stand. No need to give it all up on the first post. So slutty literacy be damned! I'm going to be a literal prude (you see what I did there with the word literal? Yeah I thought you might like that). Go away pun police. Here it goes:

• I just turned 24. YEP my birthday was yesterday... Yay for being older!
• I'm married to an amazing man! His name is Ernest and he's the best! We'll celebrate out 5 year anniversary next month... CRAZY!
• 
• I'm a DOGGY mom but have no kids of my own yet. I have a 7 year old yorkie named Addy. She may not be the smartest but she's the best fluffy butt a girl could ask for.
•  
• I'm a home owner... And too poor to pay for professional homey things so expect some DIY stuffs and home improvement (IT'S TOOL TIME! Hopefully someone got that reference).
• I follow a paleo real food lifestyle and I have since July 2013. Foodie pictures and early ass bedtimes to come so brace yourselves! PS.DOT.COM check out the balanced bites podcast for my personal favorite resource for all things PALEO.
• I lost 20lbs in 2013 and completed the master cleanse twice! I've done the 21 Day Sugar Detox twice in the last 2 months! I like challenges.
• I don't Crossfit. Yeah, I'm paleo and I'm sure CF is great, but please don't assume I have anything to do with it. I don't.
• I do Bikram Yoga. It's the one in the 105 degree room for 90min with 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. Yeah some say it's crazy, I know but I love the stretching and strengthening that comes with it! I did a 30 day challenge in June. I've done 5k's and the gym thing... I'm just not a huge fan! But I still revisit them on occasion. 
• I was dedicated to ballet for what feels like forever. I was teaching ballet through this past summer but I have no clue where ballet will fit into my life for this next year and beyond.
• I'm a sister. I was blessed with three older brothers. Well maybe "blessed" isn't the way I would've always described it but they're pretty cool. Their wives/girlfriends are pretty cool too! (you can thank my sister in-law Johanna for giving me the final push to create this here blog).
• I'm an aunt! I have 2 nieces and 3 nephews they all live in NY while I live in the DC Metro area so I don't see them often... Sad Face.
• I have battled with acne for an eternity (Yes, I'm exaggerating). I currently have hormonal acne due to some other hormone and possible thyroid related issues I'm still working through. This is one of the HUGE things I'm trying to correct through lifestyle choices.
• I've lived in a few different countries! Born in Greece, lived in Korea... You get the idea, all because my parents were church missionaries. You can't make this stuff up. Refer back to the whole parental hippy thing...
• I'm a bit of a hippy (and yes I know I used multiple spellings) myself... With my food, my lifestyle, my name, my yoga... Plus I don't use any chemicals in my skincare or hair routine (Thanks Skintervention Guide by Liz Wolfe over at realfoodliz). And everything happens for a reason! Womp womppp...
• I have some great friends! I can be a pain in the ass so I'm lucky they stick around.
• I love TV and Movies and Reading! I can spend many hours on all of em.
• I'm interested in a bunch of different things. I can imagine myself on MANY different career paths that all sound awesome. What a freaking dilemma! For now I'm an accounting assistant/contracts assistant for a small company as in: I'm multiple people's bitch. BLEH

I think I'll stop on that note. What can I say, I'm a tease! And let's be real here, I kinda gave up a lot to you on this first encounter. We'll see how far we get next time.

xoxo Gossip Girl... JUST KIDDING this whole ending a blog post thing is awkward.

Muah! Mkay. Thanks, bye!