Take the Plunge

Let me paint this picture for you: You have set up your towel in the sand and decide to head towards the water. You take that first daring step off your towel not quite sure what to expect. The sand is scorching hot between your toes but it feels nice for a moment and you sink your toes further into it. You close your eyes and angle your face up towards the sun hoping to leave looking beautiful and sun-kissed. You pause for a moment and take it all in. You let out a sigh because the ocean makes you feel both at peace and exhilarated. But before you realize what's happening that same sand that felt like heaven a moment before has now become unbearably HOT like lava beneath your feet. As you make your journey further down the beach, you begin tip toeing, then sprinting like a gazelle, but clumsy and awkward more like a toddler taking his first steps, down the beach towards the beautiful blue water and crashing waves. Then you finally reach that cool, wet sand before the water begins and you feel instant relief, you will not die from hot lava sand this day! Success! You cautiously walk towards the water and gingerly dip in your big toe hoping it's not too cold. But of course it is and you've once again come face to face with a metaphorical death. Once that wave of foamy water washes ashore and hits your legs you instantaneously become an icicle. But the water is beautiful so you grit your teeth and continue to stand where the water is meeting the shore and two worlds are becoming one. You walk a little bit further out and now your calves are slightly wet. You start thinking "I could get use to this, it actually feels kind of nice" then you relax a little bit. Again, you sink your toes into the cool, moist sand and look up to the sky. You begin to take everything in and try to ignore your freezing feet, the world is beautiful! But while you are day dreaming a big wave comes on shore and crashes right into you. You stumble and and lose your balance, again like a clumsy toddler. You're now on the ground, trying to make sure that all of your unmentionables are still in place under your tiny little swimsuit. You wonder why the HELL anyone wears so little to the beach, yourself included. It suddenly all seems like madness. You stumble away from the water with a look of defeat on your face but pause and glance back at it before you make the long trek back through the lava sand to your towel. The water may have conquered you this time, but next time will be a different story. I hope you enjoyed that! I swear there's a point to it.

So it's summer time now and it's hot outside! You know what the heat make me want to do? It makes me want to tan, and go to the beach, and go swimming. I'll take just the tanning and swimming part also. Pools, water holes, lakes, etc will do, I'm not that picky although I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I love the beach! I'm sure a lot of you have had experiences like the one I described above. it happens often. We want something, but never fully commit to it, then the process of attaining it doesn't turn out to be what we expected, and so we give up or we never actually try at all. Or for some people the prospect of the entire process is too much so they just stay on their towel and watch as others do or get that they want for themselves. I have been talking to so many wonderful people recently who tell me that they want to make changes in their life.

I think it is so awesome that so many people in this world want to do better for themselves and it inspires me every day! Maybe you want to lose weight, eat healthier, change careers, clear your skin or whatever it may be that you feel needs some assistance or change in your life today today. And reaching out to someone, vocalizing the desire to change is an awesome first step! But more often than not, recently I feel that so many people are hesitant to actually take the plunge and start changing things for themselves. Now, I'm by no means saying that I expect everyone to change everything about themselves right away, BUT I just think we could all take a second to reevaluate the reasons that we give for WHY you're willing to hold back from achieving what you truly desire. I am here to help, support, and guide people. I have seriously met so many AMAZING people through being a coach and I love every second of it, I really really do. But I also find myself getting frustrated at times because I can't do all the work for you. There comes a time when you have to do your part!

We're all human, myself included and I get that life is scary. I mean hell I have let fear hold me back so many times in the past, and every decision we make defines our life's course. I can clearly see how some fear driven decisions from my younger years shaped things in my present future. I may have had a ballet career earlier if I hadn't been afraid. Now you can also push through fear and make crappy decisions like taking jobs that you end up hating (raises hand) but that's all part of the process. I now know something that I never ever ever want to do ever again in my life. Progress right? You gotta take the positive out of every situation. At least make an effort to learn from it and do differently the next time! I just want to share some quotes with you today that REALLY resonated with me when I heard them, and I hope they can help you to be a little more fearless today and push through whatever it is that you're letting hold you back from your DREAMS! Whatever those dreams may be :)

Then there was this one quote I heard years ago which I can't seem to find online that said something to the effect of: when the prospecting of doing something makes you nervous, use that as a signal that you NEED to do it!

I think that's a great way to push through fear. So if doing something like performing or even just talking to someone I don't know very well or putting myself out there in someway, makes me nervous then I'm like okay. I need to challenge and push myself to do this! I hope some of these will help you to do the same with whatever you're trying to push through today! I fully realize that this post is very random but I just had these thoughts on my mind so I wanted to put them down on virtual paper. Please don't let fear hold you back from living your own life. It is yours and yours only, to do with that you choose. No one else can live your life for you so make sure that you're living it for yourself!

Remember that story from the beginning of this post? Now imagine if our character had instead decided that from the second they stepped off the towel, they were just going to run and jump into the water? I bet you they would've had a much better experience with the whole thing. They would've skipped the whole lava sand process, they would've gotten used to the water after jumping in, and I bet they would've spent time actually playing in and enjoying themselves instead of all the other crap that went along with their hesitation, including the unfulfilling concept of defeat. They would've walked back to their towel soaking wet, with a huge smile on their face feeling entirely content because they not only faced their fear, but they had a blast in the process. My point is that yes caution can be important in certain instances. But sometimes you just need to jump in with both feet! Take a plunge! Enjoy your life! Just freaking DO IT and you will reap the benefits! Waiting, and hemming, and hawing when your gut is telling you to just do it can hold you back and delay your life. You may stumble, you may fail, and you may fall, or in this instance you may get bitten by a shark. But at least you tried. At least you LIVED. Be honest with yourself about what your reason for holding back on WHATEVER is today and make sure it's in alignment with what you TRULY want out of your life. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? Sit down and start writing. You might be surprised what comes out.

That's all for today folks, enjoy the rest of June as I doubt Ill post again before July rolls around but hey, maybe right!? And as always please email me if you want or need any guidance! thepaleoballerina@gmail.com But also please understand that it may take me a few days to get back to you due to the large volume of emails I get, OR I might get back to you on the same day! It just depends :)

xoxo Harmony

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

I have a problem, my blog readers and followers... And the problem is that the times I typically feel the most inspired to write and post for this blog are during the hours I am at work. Now, why is that a problem you ask? The main reason that's a problem is because a blog is considered "social media" and despite the fact that these sites aren't blocked on my companies network we're still not supposed to go on them. To be fair, for my more extensive posts I sometimes spend all day, like almost 7 hours working on them (yeah, you read that right. And you're welcome). From adding pictures, to proof reading, to the actual writing process and everything in between it can be very time consuming. Even the most basic posts (of which I pretty much have none) end up taking well over an hour because I keep adding things when I read it back. I'd say about 99% of the time I just sit down and start typing without even knowing what I'm going to say. Then even after I've written everything I typically don't even know half of what I've said, but I swear writing just feels amazing and I love to  let the thoughts flow onto digital paper. I of course read and reread all of my posts before they are actually published but it's hard to decide that a post is ever "finished". I have one post that has been sitting in limbo for 3 MONTHS. But I refuse to let it die so I'll finish and post it at some point. It's saved on my other laptop... ANYWAY even after all the reading and rereading and editing and rewriting, I usually want to make even more changes after publishing when I read them again months or weeks later. You can see why it's a problem when I get inspired to write at work now right? Speaking of work, I've been super productive at work this week. I've sewn a pair of pointe shoes, I've watched countless ballet videos on youtube for inspiration and "research", I've looked up and downloaded performance music, I've researched becoming a beach body coach, I've planned my husbands birthday dinner including looking up recipes etc, AND I'm now sitting here writing a blog post and it's only Wednesday.

Please keep in mind that I'm an Accounting Assistant for a Government Contracting Company... So essentially I'm terrible at my job because I do other stuff all day instead of my actual job. That's not to say that I'm incapable of doing my job, because I do get it done and I get it done well but I'm a freaking passionate and creative person! I may not be passionate about accounting, or anything remotely related to the work I am doing (or really not doing) for the time being, but in general I am passionate and can't nobody stop this train!

Here's a random question for you... Have you heard of Bentinho Massaro?

He talks a lot about passion. I'm pretty sure that his words can inspire almost anyone. For the sake of honesty and transparency I'll admit that I'm pretty easily inspired. I get excited by things super quickly and damn it I dream big! He has about a million videos (that's an exaggeration) on youtube, and while they may not all speak to you, I love having it on in the background during my day. Even the same video over and over, I catch new things every time. Sometimes I hear entirely new things in the same videos and I wonder what the hell I was doing during that part last time that I missed it entirely? We all have needs, and honestly those needs can change daily, or even multiple times a day. The universe draws us to different things, and if we trust it and let it guide us we can have those needs fulfilled everyday. Just like hearing parts of an old video I never heard before. Finding these videos was one of those things for me. I was needing something. I didn't even know that I needed something but I did. I found what I needed in myself through his words: POSITIVITY. I literally felt my energy perk up like I hadn't in a few months. At that moment I realized that I had disconnected from my positive vibrations and had reverted to my negative thoughts for the past few months now. The slip happened so gradually, so randomly, and so naturally that I didn't even think twice about it or realize that it had happened. Old habits die hard. The fact that I put myself back into the setting where I used to be a little negative nancy (the ballet world) obviously made this transition feel even more natural. But  no more!

So many people in this world are negative. Please, never doubt or downplay the power of your thoughts and feelings. You are creating your own reality every second of every day. Make a conscious choice to lead yourself where you want to be with your thoughts. No one is more powerful over your life than you are right this second and every future second in your life. Please take a minute right now to be grateful. Be grateful that we are living in a time where infinite knowledge can be discovered and shared as long as you're searching for it. Never be afraid to learn more or keep growing, we are made to evolve and grow into ever blossoming beautiful beings. Don't stunt that growth with negativity or self doubt. The only thing negativity breeds is more negativity. Have you ever noticed that? All it takes is that one little negative thought parasite to take root and before you know it your entire mind is infested. It happens to all of us and it's OKAY. It is OKAY to be there right now. Every experience in this life is a learning experience if you choose to look at it that way. Use it as an opportunity to grow. Mistakes, screw ups, victories, accomplishments, these are all growing opportunities. At some point something is going to come and knock you over the head and give you the opportunity to kill your negativity infestation. The key is to be open to receiving information. It can come from any source, and possibly even the most unexpected source. DON'T IGNORE THE UNIVERSE! You must be willing and open to new things, to change, to doing what may feel unnatural or uncomfortable at first but will become your own personal norm and bliss. We all have our own unique paths so don't doubt or regret any part of yours because your path is your life and without it you would not be you. Follow the yellow brick road as they say. Thanks google images (and the wizard of oz of course) for always having my back...

Some of those negative people in this world can really bring you down. Especially if they come in the form of people we care about. Being a pessimist and choosing to instead being an optimist is like being a recovering addict. Whatever your vice is, whether it be shopping, drugs, sex, food, video games - whatever- once you quit it there is always a temptation to hop right back on the wagon and slip back into old habits. Coming in contact with people who are doing what you yourself used to do is a particularly hard battle to fight. But it's possible to overcome. Like I said earlier though, even if you do "relapse" it's OKAY. Please be forgiving of yourself because blame and guilt aren't helping anyone, you're only hurting yourself more.

I believe in you, and I bet you almost anyone else you encounter in this world will believe in you and your abilities 100 times more than you believe in yourself right now. So just take the leap of faith and believe in yourself!

On that note I'll stop rambling and as always thank you for actually reading this... If anyone actually does that is- I'm extremely grateful and always humbled by the amazing people out there! Maybe this post will be your 'knock on the head' I surely hope it will speak to at least someone!

xoxo - Harmony

The Opposite of a Blank Space

This may be the first time that I've come to this blog without anything specific to say. It's in times like these that I am reminded of those awkward social situations where you're forced to make small talk with people that, well let's be honest here, you'd rather not talk to. You want to be friendly, and people can be great but this whole process just makes you uncomfortable as hell. For me personally, once I'm comfortable with someone I can be very talkative and I have a lot to say. But I swear it can take me forever to get to that point with people. At one time in my life when I was a youth leader I had sort of "trained" myself to be more outgoing and make better small talk. In a setting like that there's no room to worry about what people think of you and worry about how uncomfortable or awkward you feel because you're instead in a position to SERVE others and therefore your main concern becomes them. You find yourself wondering: Are these kids comfortable and having a good time? I hope I'm helping them feel included and not awkward and uncomfortable". It's too bad though that in this life unused skills tend to dwindle or disappear. Like that saying about dull knives needing to be sharpened regularly in order to be useful or something. I know I butchered that saying but I think you get the idea. Well now I seem to have lost the "small talk" skill. I'm no longer a youth leader, I don't do customer service anymore, and I no longer work in a setting that I have to talk to anyone at all really. All of these facts together make for my dull butter knife social skills. Maybe I'll get them back one day but I'd rather keep my mouth shut and express myself with dance anyway... Okay that was a big ol paragraph about well... Nothing really.

Let's start over... I still have 3 different posts that I've "promised" to you, my imaginary readers. At least as far as I can tally it's 1. The year 2014 in review. 2. Different supplements I take and why. 3. Recipes. Now really I'd like to hear from you on which one you're most interested in but I'm trying to be realistic here, I know I don't really have that kind of following. On another note the thought of typing up recipes doesn't sound very fun to me. I'm the type of cook that either strictly follow a recipe, or I wing it in the kitchen and more often than not things turn out delicious. If you follow my Instagram (which you should @thepaleoballerina) I try to post a lot of my meals there. Again, not recipes but it can give you an idea of how I eat and maybe inspire you to eat healthier (if you don't already, or if the idea seems impossible or daunting). Switching gears again (I swear this is how thoughts flow in my brain... Seemingly random but totally connected in my mind)... I'm anxiously awaiting my follow up appointment with the functional medicine doctor in February to have the results of those blood tests that made me so sick. I'm beyond ready to figure some stuff out and start down a new path of healing.

I was just thinking this morning about FODMAPS. Accoding to Google FODMAPS are: "Fermentable, Oligo-, Di-, Mono-saccharides and PolyolS. They comprise fructose, lactose, fructo- and galacto-oligosaccharides (fructans and galactans), and polyols (such as sorbitol, mannitol, xylitol and maltitol) that are poorly absorbed in the small intestine." Essentially FODMAP intolerance means that your body is incapable of digesting or absorbing certain fructose that is present in many fruits and veggies including but not limited to: avocado, cabbage, garlic, onions- and the list goes on and on. Anyway the reason I bring this up is because I was saying to myself while driving to work "Self, you could not handle giving up garlic-which is probably my favorite seasoning ever- or most FODMAPS. You already have a super restricted diet and most of the FODMAP items are foods you eat all the time. You're not even using black pepper right now... You love black pepper!". Then I realized that I also at one point in time thought that I could "never give up sugar" or "never go paleo" or "never do AIP" or never not eat pasta or cheese or BREAD again. But I did it. And I continue to do so every damn day. I have accomplished all of these tasks DESPITE my negative self talk at one point in time saying that I couldn't.

Then it hit me: I can do and survive anything. Now I don't mean that in a crazy I could jump off a bridge and be just fine kind of way but I mean that any obstacle I come across I sure as hell am always going to do my best to fight and over come it. Does that mean that this road to health and recovery has been easy? HELL NO. Does it mean that I haven't strayed from my healthy ways here and there? HELL NO. Does the fact that I'm not perfect and this shit is really hard and frustrating SOMETIMES mean that I'm going to give up? NEVER. Honestly this lifestyle IS sustainable. It takes time to get used to and it's an investment in yourself but once you're on the straight and narrow for awhile, the thought of tarnishing all your hard work just isn't that appealing. Yes my health isn't perfect and I'm working hard to fix my crazy endocrine (hormonal) system I still see the results. One day when I gather the courage I'll do a post about my skin and how I've worked through all of the trouble and torment it's caused me... It's tough for me to show some of the pictures and make myself so vulnerable but if it will help someone then I'm willing to do it. (Lookie here I'm promising another future post... I'll get to em eventually). No matter how clear my skin is I don't think I'll ever consider myself as someone without acne. More like I'm someone who's skin is under control at the moment. And I'm not going to lie, right now I'm in a pretty good place with my skin but it is SUCH a delicate balance and I have by no means mastered it yet because it's a never ending process! Just like the road to health. It's not a destination but rather a journey and a process to stay in balance.

Back to where I was originally going with the whole functional medicine doctor thing... Depending on what my blood tests say -even if the news is the opposite of what I want to hear- it'll be okay. I'LL BE OKAY. So believe me when I say that we are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and if you want to achieve something then by all means try your best to make it happen, I know that I'll continue to do so. And who knows you just might succeed, so don't give up!

One final thought to leave you with... I've been dreaming a lot more recently. Maybe it's part of this AIP Whole 30 thing (today is day 18 btw *happy dance*) but I had a dream last night that I ate a Big Mac. Let me take a second to mention that in my former unhealthy life I never really liked Big Macs. I was always more of a dollar menu girl, or better yet a Burger King Whopper kinda girl. Also yesterday while scrolling someone's "paleo" Instagram I saw a picture of a McDonald's breakfast sandwich that someone ate (YUCK). I don't know if any of that is relevant to this dream but I thought you should be fully informed. Okay back to the dream. After eating a few bites of the Big Mac I then proceeded to FREAK OUT because I had eaten gluten. Like I went into straight panic mode as if I was going to die or something. That was the rest of the dream. Me freaking out from gluten exposure and being in disbelief that I had eaten something so evil as a Big Mac. HAHAHA even thinking about it now makes me legit smile, my brain is so silly sometimes. I have no clue what it meant or if it had any meaning at all but dreams fascinate me in more ways than one. In my conscious dreams I  dream of one day not working a desk job and being able to follow my passion full time. OH and more tangibly I dream of gaining the courage to do some ballet auditions. Makes me super nervous just thinking about it but I know I have to overcome that if I want my dreams to become a reality. So please keep dreaming my friends and never stop.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.... Man I wish it was Friday instead of Thursday and I wasn't sitting here at work... Shhh I didn't say that... Yay Thursday!

xoxo - Harmony

Paleo Ballerina and a Happy New Year!

That's right, I'm giving myself a title now I am the Paleo Ballerina (patent pending). I feel like I just declared the 10 commandments or something. Okay that's a huge exaggeration... Anyway, it's not that big of a deal obviously it's really not even important, but I just wanted to put that out there. No one take my thing please. I'm in the process of building my "brand". I have a reason behind this 'title' and it has more meaning than the portrayal of the fact that I'm a ballet dancer who eats and follows a Paleo lifestyle. Body image in the ballet community is SUCH a huge and never ending issue, and I want to inspire dancers to EAT and nourish themselves while keeping their dancer figure. Okay more on that later... Moving on. Are there any graphic designers in the house? Does anyone want to design a little cavewoman ballerina for me or something? Because that would be AMAZEBALLS. Happy New Year everyone! This is officially my first post of the new year! I brought in the new year in a great way and on new years day I performed an awesome musical medley for a celebration at church with my brother with around 8-9 songs. It included hits like Shake It Off, All About That Base, Halo, Baby and Radioactive. We did a medley least year on the first as well (using different songs obviously), and it's a lot of fun and really the only time I sing in public all year. It was a fun start and a great way to spend some quality time with my brother. Hopefully we'll do it again next year even though I'm always embarrassed by the video after the fact... I also hope (I sure have a lot of 'hopes') to do a 2014 recap post at some point but I make no promises since I always think of posts I want to write but I never actually want to take the time to write them out. Shame on me. Don't get me wrong, I love blogging. I don't do it very often but I find it to be a great creative outlet as well as a great way to organize and tame the Tasmanian (Taz) devil who likes to make an appearance in my head occasionally. It's a great way to just get it all out which is why I typically find myself blogging most often in times of struggle or distress. But hey, here I am being happy saying Happy New Year to you!

So 2015. 5 is my favorite number. It's actually Ernest's favorite number also. SO it goes without saying that this year should really be stellar for both of us and I hope it's great for everyone else too! We had wonderful holidays filled with a lot of family and friends. I really am blessed to be surrounded by so many great people in my life. Sure I take them for granted often but that doesn't mean I love them any less, this whole appreciation thing is a process but I try to look at the bright side and appreciate as many things as possible every single day!

Okay so I had about two weeks off from dance which I was a bit worried about but I think it was good. I was so super productive around the house with all my down time and I almost completed my bathroom remodel that I've been working on for about a year. Now it goes without saying that I haven't worked on it consistently since it's a small half bath and I don't think there are even that many things I could do to draw a reno out THAT long. Anyway it's my baby, my child, my creation and I'm so proud of it. This is yet another thing I plan to write a full blown post about once I have FULLY completed it. I don't want to post it before I'm 100% done because I may never fully finish if I do that. My pride is already making me not want to put the finishing touches on it... Partially because whenever I get to a new step with this reno I get apprehensive... Anyway more on that when I write my post bathroom renovation post!

Ballet has started back up this week and I had some of my toughest weeks ever at my desk job. I REALLY need to make a career shift this year. IDEALLY I'd like to get out of the normal desk job sector and move over to dance or something related (maybe even nutrition? NTP?) permanently. MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE YEAR FOR THAT. I don't know for sure, but life reveals itself as you go and we just gotta keep rolling with the punches. I'm planning to audition for a few small companies in the coming months and I might even audition for some summer programs that take old people (up to 25 while most only take up to 18) like me. That would be crazy... To leave my job for awhile and go somewhere to dance for the summer... I haven't done that since I was 16 or something. Again, I don't know-these are just options and things I'm thinking about. I'm always open to new things and I don't want to limit myself within reason. Plus I figure that if it's meant to be then it will happen. I of course have to take the steps to make it a possibility, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

As for this new year and new resolutions.... I KIND OF made 1 resolution. But not really. I don't like limiting myself to resolutions. I think it's amazing to want to grow and to be inspired and to want better for yourself but I feel like there's almost too much pressure and disappointment if you "fail" OR if you resolve to do things or make changes that aren't really sustainable, OR to make changes to yourself that can't really be measured. Like "I want to be a better person". Okay that's great. How are you going to do that? And better yet, how the hell are you going to keep track of that? What are your actions steps to make that an attainable and measurable goal? Now as a rule in life we must all grow and evolve (unless you're Benjamin Button or Peter Pan I suppose) and along with that comes setting goals and trying our very best to better ourselves. I'm 100% for this, I just think it's important to make your goals ATTAINABLE and TANGIBLE. Otherwise, you become too comfortable with failure and letting yourself just not follow through with commitments you make. I've been reading a lot of things recently that say "you're worth it" and I couldn't agree more. You're worth the effort of sticking to the commitments you make to yourself. You're worth doing everything in your power to be the best you. Ya catch my drift? We are all worth it, no one life is more valuable than another. We are all living beings. Now onto my sorta resolution for 2015...

I've committed to give the good ol Paleo Autoimmune Protocol (AIP) a shot for 30 days. I started on Monday the 5th partially because on the first I was coming off a hard night of New Year's Eve drinking and didn't feel it was a great way to start this, but also because I wanted to start it at the beginning of the week, so I did! For those of you that don't know (probably most of you) AIP is specifically geared to eliminate all typical gut irritating foods that can cause an immune response. If you want more info on AIP and just autoimmune diseases in general then go to thepaleomom.com and/or autoimmune-paleo.com. Here is a quick list of restricted foods on AIP just to give you an idea:

Dairy, Soy, Legumes (including peanuts), Grains, Refined Sugars, Eggs, Nuts, Seeds, Nightshades(including seasonings), Industrial Seed Oils, Alcohol, NSAID's, Food Additives, etc.

There's of course a lot more to it but you should head on over to those sites I mentioned above if you want more info on it. I haven't actually been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition but with a few conditions I do have TYPICALLY being autoimmune in nature I am giving this a try. I'm treating it more like an elimination diet which it is also referred to as, and I'm hoping I might see and feel some results. There are of course reintroduction instructions but some food may never really be introduced without consequence for some people. I am also going to a Naturopath or Functional Medicine Doctor on Monday to get some testing done to try and get to the bottom of somethings I've been dealing with. If you want more specific info on what I've got going on medically you can PM me. I'm not comfortable airing out all my dirty laundry on the internet, at least not as of right now- maybe some day!

Anyway Today is day 5 (I wrote this a week ago so I'm actually on day 12 now) and I'm feeling great! It has been rough, especially the first few days coming off of eating a lot of treats and drinking more often than usual during celebrations over the holidays there has been some detoxing for sure. I know every day will be different, but today I'm feeling honeymoon-y and I'm loving it (ew McDonald's why did you have to ruin that phrase?). I have eaten a butt ton of fish and steak. Also a lot of salads. If I'm being completely honest I did not prep for this very well but coming off of normal Paleo makes it not the biggest adjustment ever, but for me a big adjustment nonetheless since I relied heavily on nut and seed butters plus I love a lot of nightshade veggies. Ernest bought me so much food to make this easier on me and more possible so we have quite a lot of groceries at the moment but no actual meal plan in place. It's working out just fine though and I'm grateful for his support. On the other hand, Practical Paleo by Diane Sanfilippo (best paleo book ever btw - Liz Wolfe calls it the Paleo Bible... Because it pretty much is) has an amazing 30 day meal plan - well okay there are like 20 different meal plans to accommodate ALL DIFFERENT ISSUES. How awesome is that? There is an AIP meal plan that I want to use for the coming weeks. I might end up extending this whole thing longer than 30 days (like 60 or 90) depending on what goes down on Monday and how I feel after the 30. So that meal plan might be used 100% during the next 30 days, we'll just have to wait and see. It should be an interesting journey. I've been looking at the 'whole 30' (another 30 day paleo program) website a lot since this is essentially the same thing and I've been following the daily "what should I expect" so I can have an idea of what might be to come. My experience hasn't really matched up thus far but it's interesting and entertaining nonetheless! I've been eating A LOT of fruits and veggies. As I hinted at above, my husband has been BEYOND supportive and helpful despite my detoxing bitchiness and I love him for it. He's cooked for me, packed lunches for me, and even grocery shopped for me. He's Seriously the best. Plus I don't think I'm the only one who get's grumpy while detoxing right? I believe it's a normal part of the adjustment period.... At least that's what I tell myself...

Horizons horizons, new horizons. OH! I got caught up on Downton Abbey which is super exciting- all thanks to my Amazon Prime membership!!! Woohoo now I just can't wait to watch 5th season. Okay I'll stop. But it's a great show to watch while also doing yoga or stretching or even cleaning in my case. I cleaned a lot over the holidays(which I know I already said) and since the holidays as well. I love it when my home is clean. I even took down ALL of our Christmas decorations on 1/3/15. I am on top of my game this year. Normally I'm terrible with that kinda stuff. But here's to new year's and turning over new leaves, and being okay with possibly turning that leaf right back over to where it originally started sometimes. Change doesn't happen over night after all. Although in someways it totally does.

On that note I bid you addue! Or However the hell you spell that... You know what I mean though, just think of the Sound of Music and have a great weekend! I'm starting it off by attempting to make the Urban Poser's Tomato-less "Marinara" Sauce (it was delicious) and chillin with my home girls. Tomorrow I have an audition and I'm going to Danielle Walker from Against All Grain's book signing event in Falls Church VA!! SO EXCITED! I feel like I'm meeting a Paleo celebrity... HAHA lame sauce I know.

xoxo -Harmony

ALSO I want to give credit where credit is due for the "featured image" on this post, it's actually a really awesome and touching story... Please read more about the story behind that picture HERE.

The Struggle is Real

Look at the little girl in this picture. Why is she crying? She's doing ballet and little girls LOVE ballet, right!? Poor little thing shouldn't be crying... To anyone who is not a dancer this photo may make you laugh as it does me, but there is so much more freaking meaning behind this to me, and anyone else who is a dancer GETS what I mean... "The Struggle is Real" I'm sure most of you have heard this phrase over the course of the past year. It's meant to poke fun at us people living in a first world country complaining about things like our makeup or hair looking bad while some people have real problems and struggles. Take for example people who don't know when or where their next meal will come from. Or hm I dunno WAR that is actually taking place right outside people's windows... Crazy siege's in Australia. Just casual every day stuff. *Please note my sarcasm* However, to add to our nations self absorption and further feed the first world problems frenzy I am here to yet again ironically use the saying the struggle is real because damn it despite my life being pretty damn good, I feel a struggle.

Things have been weird recently. I feel different than I ever have before, I'm dancing again, but not teaching, I'm working at a job that I feel remarkably indifferent about, and I just feel.... WEIRD. I had a great relaxing weekend with my husband who is sick, we stayed in and watched TV... Like  A LOT of TV. Got caught up on all the shows we watch together, including some crazy mid season finale's and it was nice to relax and unwind after all the recent mayhem. Of course Ernest was sick so it wasn't quite as enjoyable for him but I digress...

THEN here comes Monday. Freaking Monday. I was actually pretty chipper in the morning, I listened to some good radio (The Kane Show) on the way to work that had me laughing despite the terrible traffic and over 1hr long drive. I got a lot of work done and although work is work it was actually okay. I mean it wasn't a horrible day or anything, so really no complaints there. I think I sort of have a coping mechanism when it comes to work, I like to BLUR details in my memory so I just have a faint glow of a memory when it comes to the days or weeks past. SO who knows, maybe if I had been writing this yesterday it would be different. We'll just never know.

Moving on... I left early of course to get to dance class. On the dance menu yesterday was Modern for an hour (Graham style) then ballet technique with floor exercises and stretching at the end of class (another 2.5 hrs). I don't know if it's because I bummed around this weekend or what but man, I felt off in class. Hence the photo. It was rough. Any dancer can understand having these types of days. No matter how much confidence I felt I had gained over the past 5 years without dance all it took was an experienced dancer to come into class that made the teacher BEAM (I mean seriously she smiled from ear to ear while this girl did the combination across the floor) while watching her to make me feel like a lump of turd again. It's so tough, this industry. I'm trying to get back and obviously I realize that I'm out of shape and have a long way to go but I find myself questioning so much at times like these. The self doubt creeps back in, I wonder if I will ever have the "quality" that this other woman does. I know she and I are different and I'm different but what if my version is never going to be coveted. I'm embarrassed to even admit just how much this got me down. Shame on me really. To let something so small and insignificant affect me so much. I'm perfectly aware that there are amazing dancers out there, I just don't see them in class on a regular basis. I refuse to take steps backwards and revert to my old self conscious self. I just find myself wondering if the "things" I need to change in my technique are things that I'll be able to change. It's like telling a runner who has run the same way their whole life to run differently. Or maybe it's not. I'm not a runner.

As a dancer we put a lot of trust into our teachers and dance mentors. We need people to take a chance on us and correct us but what if they're steering us in the wrong direction? OR conversely, what if the direction they send you in or just making a suggested change or correction from a teacher changes everything. After an initial first impression (seeing a dancer dance for the first time) wears off they see how incredibly normal and average we are, don't they? Maybe I need to teach again...

Okay... I think I need to stop now and switch gears. Let me just say that I DO NOT like Kanye West... In fact typically when I think of Kanye I think about this:

It's pretty much one of my favorite things ever and always makes me at least smile if not chuckle. The reason I bring up Kanye is because I saw this earlier today and really liked it:

Yep, Kanye got something right in his lyrics.... It's common sense isn't it? Obviously there is only one of me, and only one of you, and in this case OF COURSE there are literally millions of people who are better at ballet than me. I mean we all technically KNOW this but the problem is believing it's okay to not be the best and not letting life and comparing yourself to others get you down... I know, I know... First world problems. I just danced the freaking sugar plum fairy and now here I am boo hooing that someone better than me came to class and now I feel bad about myself. Any girl in that school would've killed to perform that role. I'm such a freaking brat sometimes. Part of the problem I suppose is that even while dancing sugar plum I felt unworthy of it. Hopefully class today will go better, then I'll be happy again. It's just that easy. Good class = good mood. Bad class = bad mood until a better class experience is achieved. No wonder I was so depressed in high school!

Things will get better and I'll figure my life out, hey at least I'm trying. I never want to look back and think I didn't do everything I could to try and make it happen. I'm trying, we'll see how this all plays out.

xoxo - Harmony

Midnight Ramblings

I tend to write posts and let them sit for a few days before I read them over again and actually post them. I wrote this one on Sunday evening... As will be obvious from the first sentence. I can hardly call this midnight, since it's literally only 10:30pm on this Sunday evening but nonetheless I will now begin to ramble. After watching some Gilmore Girls and falling asleep, then waking back up to turn it off and 'officially' go to bed almost an hour ago my mind is racing  It's amazing how you can just fall asleep during an activity but then when you actually try to go to bed it can be futile. In this case I find myself going over the ballet classes I've taken the past two Saturdays. Now to be fair I don't feel HORRIBLE about them. I mean I haven't consistently danced since the end of 2008 or early 2009. YEP 2009. That's almost 6 freaking years ago. So with that in mind I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. And I mean thank God I do bikram yoga, because otherwise I don't think this whole trying to get back into dance thing would even be possible.

Bikram has allowed me to regain flexibility, strength, mental discipline, and although I haven't fully regained all of it, and ballet is an entirely different beast of it's own, it's helped this process.

Yet I still find myself tossing and turning, going over the parts in class where I particularly felt inadequate. I don't know why, but I swear what I'm struggling the most with in these classes is my brain. As a ballet teacher I always tell my students that they need to know the combinations because otherwise you can't work on refining the steps or remembering corrections because you're too caught up just trying to keep up with the combination. Which is true. But I now find myself being that person who cannot remember the combinations. I have never been this person. In the past, whatever I physically lacked, I made up for with a good mind, I could pick up and remember combinations for days like it was nothing.

Needless to say I am frustrated as hell with myself on this. How can I get my brain to catch up to my body? And I'll be damned if in the next class I take a get stumped by another petite allegro (small jumping) combination. I mean seriously. Yes, I've never been strong in the petite allegro variety but SHEESH it's never been this rough. I see even just as I write all of this out that I'm weighing far too heavily on comparing this 24 year old out of practice version of me to the 18 year old 'best shape I've been in' dancer version of me who had been taking ballet class 4 hours a day 6 days a week for practically 6 years straight, if not longer.

But how can I not do that? I NEED to push myself. I can't settle for just being okay. If there's anything I took away from all of the "Academic Ballet Courses" I took at Kirov it's the line "Ballet does not stand mediocrity." I cannot remember who the hell said it but I seriously have never heard a truer statement, and I knew it as soon as I heard it. Mediocrity just has no place in ballet. No one wants to watch that. Especially no one wants to pay to see that, and sure as hell no one is going to pay you to dance poorly or even just 'okay'. You can barely get paid to dance amazingly... SO yeah.

Why I am taking myself back down this rabbit hole than you may ask? The only word that comes to mind is: PASSION.

I seriously just love it. I don't know why, I can't explain it, there will probably always be at least a small part of me that dreads ballet class and the uncertainty of how my body will perform that day, but I do love it. Being a professional ballet dancer in a ballet company (which by the way I'm sure means nothing to people in the 'normal' world) is a hard life. I have friends who are in it and beyond talented who struggle with their directors just not giving them the chances they deserve. It's a crazy world where people don't eat and they abuse their bodies day in and day out. But there's an insane part of me that just wants a small taste of it.

I don't know if my brain will start to cooperate. I don't know if my body will cooperate. But I couldn't sit in bed tossing and turning going over the parts in class I WISH I had done better in. It gives me anxiety, and to be honest, there is not one damn thing I can do about it right now from my bed.

I needed this outlet, so thank you for existing. Thoughts can haunt us, and drown us sometimes. Sometimes we just need some gratification and acknowledgement and writing can somehow provide that. I actually had a good bikram class just this morning, the teacher even asked me to demonstrate a posture (floor bow) to my surprise. I felt very humbled and honored - I've seen people be called out for demonstrations countless times, and I've always wished to be that person. I also never really imagined that I would be, I am the type of person who needs interaction and validation, as I believe we all do in different ways. I may be more secure with myself in some ways but in others I still lack the self assurance to know how I am doing beyond- "wow, that was really shitty."

I have to put the classes behind me and move forward. The next classes will be even better. Bikram and ballet alike. I actually have an idea of a plan for how to make this ballet thing work... It's still a rough draft but maybe I'll share it at some point if it turns out to be doable (I HOPE!).

There is so much more to life than all this little self centered petty stuff I wrote about above. I needed to get my thoughts out and I did, which I can appreciate  but there is so much more to my life than this here. Last weekend for instance, we celebrated my dear sister in law's birthday on Sunday by going to a winery. It was a nice time, my brother and I baked her a blueberry tart thingy from her pinterest, then on her actual birthday (Monday) we went to a great restaurant that caters to people with food allergies. They had a lot of dairy free and gluten free options on the menu which were great. I also made her this awesome paleo coconut cream pie from Living Healthy with Chocolate that I also made last year. Since it was so well received, I decided to give it a repeat appearance this year. Then yesterday after hanging out in Poolesville at the ballet studio for most of the day, I stopped by my brother and sister in law's house (the same one mentioned above - Johanna) and we ate pie, and talked. Later we made this AMAZING soup that popped up on my facebook newsfeed and went to a game night. I played a whole lot of the game Telestrations and literally laughed until my stomach hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed THAT hard, and it was awesome. Lastly on this here Sunday I met Johanna for yoga, then we met some more friends at an adorable restaurant in Alexandria for a late brunch which was also great. I eventually made my way home to a lazy evening with my husband and you know this rest about this evening.

That's it. That's all I have for today and this weekend and everything else. I hope I've sufficiently emptied out my brain enough for sleep. I'm excited for lyrical class tomorrow evening, it should be a lot of fun. I'm hoping to hang out afterwards and put my pointe shoes back on. Oh yeah that's another thing. No longer having ballet callouses sucks... Pointe shoes really hurt again. And they haven't since I was maybe 11? It's like I ran backwards for miles or something. But it's OKAY. I'll get there, thank God (and the Secret) for the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. I feel so much better right now, you have no idea.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

xo - Harmony