The Struggle is Real

Look at the little girl in this picture. Why is she crying? She's doing ballet and little girls LOVE ballet, right!? Poor little thing shouldn't be crying... To anyone who is not a dancer this photo may make you laugh as it does me, but there is so much more freaking meaning behind this to me, and anyone else who is a dancer GETS what I mean... "The Struggle is Real" I'm sure most of you have heard this phrase over the course of the past year. It's meant to poke fun at us people living in a first world country complaining about things like our makeup or hair looking bad while some people have real problems and struggles. Take for example people who don't know when or where their next meal will come from. Or hm I dunno WAR that is actually taking place right outside people's windows... Crazy siege's in Australia. Just casual every day stuff. *Please note my sarcasm* However, to add to our nations self absorption and further feed the first world problems frenzy I am here to yet again ironically use the saying the struggle is real because damn it despite my life being pretty damn good, I feel a struggle.

Things have been weird recently. I feel different than I ever have before, I'm dancing again, but not teaching, I'm working at a job that I feel remarkably indifferent about, and I just feel.... WEIRD. I had a great relaxing weekend with my husband who is sick, we stayed in and watched TV... Like  A LOT of TV. Got caught up on all the shows we watch together, including some crazy mid season finale's and it was nice to relax and unwind after all the recent mayhem. Of course Ernest was sick so it wasn't quite as enjoyable for him but I digress...

THEN here comes Monday. Freaking Monday. I was actually pretty chipper in the morning, I listened to some good radio (The Kane Show) on the way to work that had me laughing despite the terrible traffic and over 1hr long drive. I got a lot of work done and although work is work it was actually okay. I mean it wasn't a horrible day or anything, so really no complaints there. I think I sort of have a coping mechanism when it comes to work, I like to BLUR details in my memory so I just have a faint glow of a memory when it comes to the days or weeks past. SO who knows, maybe if I had been writing this yesterday it would be different. We'll just never know.

Moving on... I left early of course to get to dance class. On the dance menu yesterday was Modern for an hour (Graham style) then ballet technique with floor exercises and stretching at the end of class (another 2.5 hrs). I don't know if it's because I bummed around this weekend or what but man, I felt off in class. Hence the photo. It was rough. Any dancer can understand having these types of days. No matter how much confidence I felt I had gained over the past 5 years without dance all it took was an experienced dancer to come into class that made the teacher BEAM (I mean seriously she smiled from ear to ear while this girl did the combination across the floor) while watching her to make me feel like a lump of turd again. It's so tough, this industry. I'm trying to get back and obviously I realize that I'm out of shape and have a long way to go but I find myself questioning so much at times like these. The self doubt creeps back in, I wonder if I will ever have the "quality" that this other woman does. I know she and I are different and I'm different but what if my version is never going to be coveted. I'm embarrassed to even admit just how much this got me down. Shame on me really. To let something so small and insignificant affect me so much. I'm perfectly aware that there are amazing dancers out there, I just don't see them in class on a regular basis. I refuse to take steps backwards and revert to my old self conscious self. I just find myself wondering if the "things" I need to change in my technique are things that I'll be able to change. It's like telling a runner who has run the same way their whole life to run differently. Or maybe it's not. I'm not a runner.

As a dancer we put a lot of trust into our teachers and dance mentors. We need people to take a chance on us and correct us but what if they're steering us in the wrong direction? OR conversely, what if the direction they send you in or just making a suggested change or correction from a teacher changes everything. After an initial first impression (seeing a dancer dance for the first time) wears off they see how incredibly normal and average we are, don't they? Maybe I need to teach again...

Okay... I think I need to stop now and switch gears. Let me just say that I DO NOT like Kanye West... In fact typically when I think of Kanye I think about this:

It's pretty much one of my favorite things ever and always makes me at least smile if not chuckle. The reason I bring up Kanye is because I saw this earlier today and really liked it:

Yep, Kanye got something right in his lyrics.... It's common sense isn't it? Obviously there is only one of me, and only one of you, and in this case OF COURSE there are literally millions of people who are better at ballet than me. I mean we all technically KNOW this but the problem is believing it's okay to not be the best and not letting life and comparing yourself to others get you down... I know, I know... First world problems. I just danced the freaking sugar plum fairy and now here I am boo hooing that someone better than me came to class and now I feel bad about myself. Any girl in that school would've killed to perform that role. I'm such a freaking brat sometimes. Part of the problem I suppose is that even while dancing sugar plum I felt unworthy of it. Hopefully class today will go better, then I'll be happy again. It's just that easy. Good class = good mood. Bad class = bad mood until a better class experience is achieved. No wonder I was so depressed in high school!

Things will get better and I'll figure my life out, hey at least I'm trying. I never want to look back and think I didn't do everything I could to try and make it happen. I'm trying, we'll see how this all plays out.

xoxo - Harmony

Cracking nuts and toes

Amidst my schedule that has been unbelievably busy recently I seem to have found myself with some free time. I've been heavily immersed in the world of ballet. I'm currently at a dress rehearsal for a show that I may or may not be dancing in. This is what we in the ballet call being an understudy. I already danced two performances last weekend but alas here I am again this weekend saying 'to dance or not to dance, that is the question.' It's amazing though the magic that happens in a theater and on a stage. When all the pieces come together the result is something that cannot be simply explained, it must be experienced.

Okay let me back up a little bit. Last time I posted was probably a good 2-3 weeks ago and I was just done with my first week of getting back into ballet classes. Well an amazing opportunity was presented to me after an injury occurred at a studio I took class at and here I am, having done two performances as their sugar plum fairy. I'm still only about 3 weeks into taking classes and the grand pas is HARD. Plus I'm in shock that this actually happened at all. I never imagined landing a role period let alone one line this... And so soon. That coupled with a few other complications and circumstances has my body begging for mercy. I had to learn the entire pas -a version I had never even seen before- in a week and be able to perform it. Talk about pressure... Then from crazy blisters, to dead point shoes, randomly swollen feet, uncomfortable nude leotards, stage makeup, brand new tights that ripped on stage and a slew of other factors this whole experience has been a whirlwind.

I've met a lot of great people, pushed myself in ways I did not foresee, and it's been great. It really has. There's been plenty of drama and discomfort that's gone along with all of it but I feel blessed. I had one performance that felt like a train wreak in which my my shoes died during the pas, and my tights literally caught on my partners costume on stage and ripped a big hole in my butt. But more importantly I felt incomplete, defeated, and disappointed in myself after the fact. I didn't feel elated, or even a little bit happy for having performed and survived. I knew I could do better which was frustrating but more importantly I also knew that I hadn't done well. But that second performance was magic.

Everything came together on stage. It still wasn't anywhere near perfect but with how out of shape I am, I was never expecting perfection. All things considered, this time I felt it. I felt the happiness, satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment that I have been accustomed to feeling after performing. That feeling is what I'm doing all of this for. Life is a funny thing, it reveals its meaning to you when you least expect it.

Okay well I need to be ready to dance just in case so I should probably do that. Did I mention that this show is sold out?? Crazy right!? We'll see what happens, I'm fine whatever way this goes. My body would be relieved if I didn't have to dance, that's for sure... Well until next time...

Xoxo - Harmony

Midnight Ramblings

I tend to write posts and let them sit for a few days before I read them over again and actually post them. I wrote this one on Sunday evening... As will be obvious from the first sentence. I can hardly call this midnight, since it's literally only 10:30pm on this Sunday evening but nonetheless I will now begin to ramble. After watching some Gilmore Girls and falling asleep, then waking back up to turn it off and 'officially' go to bed almost an hour ago my mind is racing  It's amazing how you can just fall asleep during an activity but then when you actually try to go to bed it can be futile. In this case I find myself going over the ballet classes I've taken the past two Saturdays. Now to be fair I don't feel HORRIBLE about them. I mean I haven't consistently danced since the end of 2008 or early 2009. YEP 2009. That's almost 6 freaking years ago. So with that in mind I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. And I mean thank God I do bikram yoga, because otherwise I don't think this whole trying to get back into dance thing would even be possible.

Bikram has allowed me to regain flexibility, strength, mental discipline, and although I haven't fully regained all of it, and ballet is an entirely different beast of it's own, it's helped this process.

Yet I still find myself tossing and turning, going over the parts in class where I particularly felt inadequate. I don't know why, but I swear what I'm struggling the most with in these classes is my brain. As a ballet teacher I always tell my students that they need to know the combinations because otherwise you can't work on refining the steps or remembering corrections because you're too caught up just trying to keep up with the combination. Which is true. But I now find myself being that person who cannot remember the combinations. I have never been this person. In the past, whatever I physically lacked, I made up for with a good mind, I could pick up and remember combinations for days like it was nothing.

Needless to say I am frustrated as hell with myself on this. How can I get my brain to catch up to my body? And I'll be damned if in the next class I take a get stumped by another petite allegro (small jumping) combination. I mean seriously. Yes, I've never been strong in the petite allegro variety but SHEESH it's never been this rough. I see even just as I write all of this out that I'm weighing far too heavily on comparing this 24 year old out of practice version of me to the 18 year old 'best shape I've been in' dancer version of me who had been taking ballet class 4 hours a day 6 days a week for practically 6 years straight, if not longer.

But how can I not do that? I NEED to push myself. I can't settle for just being okay. If there's anything I took away from all of the "Academic Ballet Courses" I took at Kirov it's the line "Ballet does not stand mediocrity." I cannot remember who the hell said it but I seriously have never heard a truer statement, and I knew it as soon as I heard it. Mediocrity just has no place in ballet. No one wants to watch that. Especially no one wants to pay to see that, and sure as hell no one is going to pay you to dance poorly or even just 'okay'. You can barely get paid to dance amazingly... SO yeah.

Why I am taking myself back down this rabbit hole than you may ask? The only word that comes to mind is: PASSION.

I seriously just love it. I don't know why, I can't explain it, there will probably always be at least a small part of me that dreads ballet class and the uncertainty of how my body will perform that day, but I do love it. Being a professional ballet dancer in a ballet company (which by the way I'm sure means nothing to people in the 'normal' world) is a hard life. I have friends who are in it and beyond talented who struggle with their directors just not giving them the chances they deserve. It's a crazy world where people don't eat and they abuse their bodies day in and day out. But there's an insane part of me that just wants a small taste of it.

I don't know if my brain will start to cooperate. I don't know if my body will cooperate. But I couldn't sit in bed tossing and turning going over the parts in class I WISH I had done better in. It gives me anxiety, and to be honest, there is not one damn thing I can do about it right now from my bed.

I needed this outlet, so thank you for existing. Thoughts can haunt us, and drown us sometimes. Sometimes we just need some gratification and acknowledgement and writing can somehow provide that. I actually had a good bikram class just this morning, the teacher even asked me to demonstrate a posture (floor bow) to my surprise. I felt very humbled and honored - I've seen people be called out for demonstrations countless times, and I've always wished to be that person. I also never really imagined that I would be, I am the type of person who needs interaction and validation, as I believe we all do in different ways. I may be more secure with myself in some ways but in others I still lack the self assurance to know how I am doing beyond- "wow, that was really shitty."

I have to put the classes behind me and move forward. The next classes will be even better. Bikram and ballet alike. I actually have an idea of a plan for how to make this ballet thing work... It's still a rough draft but maybe I'll share it at some point if it turns out to be doable (I HOPE!).

There is so much more to life than all this little self centered petty stuff I wrote about above. I needed to get my thoughts out and I did, which I can appreciate  but there is so much more to my life than this here. Last weekend for instance, we celebrated my dear sister in law's birthday on Sunday by going to a winery. It was a nice time, my brother and I baked her a blueberry tart thingy from her pinterest, then on her actual birthday (Monday) we went to a great restaurant that caters to people with food allergies. They had a lot of dairy free and gluten free options on the menu which were great. I also made her this awesome paleo coconut cream pie from Living Healthy with Chocolate that I also made last year. Since it was so well received, I decided to give it a repeat appearance this year. Then yesterday after hanging out in Poolesville at the ballet studio for most of the day, I stopped by my brother and sister in law's house (the same one mentioned above - Johanna) and we ate pie, and talked. Later we made this AMAZING soup that popped up on my facebook newsfeed and went to a game night. I played a whole lot of the game Telestrations and literally laughed until my stomach hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed THAT hard, and it was awesome. Lastly on this here Sunday I met Johanna for yoga, then we met some more friends at an adorable restaurant in Alexandria for a late brunch which was also great. I eventually made my way home to a lazy evening with my husband and you know this rest about this evening.

That's it. That's all I have for today and this weekend and everything else. I hope I've sufficiently emptied out my brain enough for sleep. I'm excited for lyrical class tomorrow evening, it should be a lot of fun. I'm hoping to hang out afterwards and put my pointe shoes back on. Oh yeah that's another thing. No longer having ballet callouses sucks... Pointe shoes really hurt again. And they haven't since I was maybe 11? It's like I ran backwards for miles or something. But it's OKAY. I'll get there, thank God (and the Secret) for the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. I feel so much better right now, you have no idea.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

xo - Harmony

Strap on your pointe shoes - we're going to town

It's a very crisp autumn morning here in Northern VA. It's becoming that time of year when it's really just quite chilly outside. Ya just can't get away with wearing no jacket anymore and in other words.... Winter is Coming. That last sentence will have extra meaning for anyone who watches Game of Thrones. Speaking of watching things, Gilmore Girls is on Netflix! Now I must tell the truth, I already own all of the seasons of Gilmore Girls... I don't know what it is but I've always loved the show and I've seen most of the full seasons at least 2-3 if not 4 times already. But last week I found myself with a lack of TV to watch... That is of course besides the show's I watch with my husband that are sitting in my hulu queue waiting for the day we will sit down and watch them (we watched about 3 last night). With this is in mind, I began watching Gilmore Girls yet again from the very beginning.

I'm now on the first episode of season 2.. Yippee! I have a problem.... But I'm okay with it. Again, hubby does not understand my as he calls it "fascination" with the show. Meh, I dunno. I just like it...?!

Moving on...

Last weekend was halloween, and it was a blast! I of course had to work on the day of, but since it was casual Friday I was able to dress up with some of my coworkers. We were Toddlers in Tiaras(see pictures below). We then went to happy hour after work and called it a night. On Saturday I went to a bar crawl- again as a toddler in a tiara- with my friend Lizz and some of her close friends who are a really fun group of people. It was so much FUN! I used to get REALLY nervous in new social situations or hanging out with friends of friends who I don't really know but there was none of that this time. I think I've become a much calmer and secure person as of late and I love it. I don't care AS much what people think of me and it's liberating. Halloween was good times.

Here is were this update (non halloween related) gets interesting though... Last week on Monday I took my first lyrical dance class really ever.... I've taken very sporadic jazz classes in the past (mostly at ballet summer programs) and although it's very similar to lyrical I'm told they're different. But it was a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back weekly... Lizz posted a video of it on facebook. I swear she and I are like friendship soul mates. I really hope we can keep a good friendship now that we no longer work together. I guess you just never know how things will turn out. I surely didn't expect to make such great friends at my current job, but they really are great. Okay back to the video... The video is not my best dancing, but considering my "out of shape" state, I'm pretty pleased with it. That and oh yeah, i'm a ballet dancer, not a jazz or lyrical dancer. But it was fun!

THEN on Saturday I took adult ballet class locally at Virginia Ballet and ran into my high school math teacher... Small world right!? Okay I took class, it was fun but sheesh I'm out of shape. Even so, the other adults in the class made it quite clear that they were following my lead as is quite customary in these adult type classes. They usually consist of either first time dancers or older women (40's-60's) who just wanna dance! Side Note: I'm not saying that women in their 40's-60's are old, but as far as ballet dancers goes it's an older age group. It's awesome for them, it's not really what I need right now but I still enjoy it as long as I don't upset anyone in the process. It's a great studio and I hope they hire me to sub some classes for them. I did talk to them about it so fingers crossed!

Then this week I had probably the best bikram class that I've had in awhile AND I subbed ballet, tech, jazz, lyrical, crazy hybrid classes at a studio Lizz hooked me up with locally: CDC. ALSO a lot of fun. I love the lack of pressure and relaxed setting, makes the whole teaching process a lot more enjoyable. But at the same time frustrating. Anyway, today is Saturday. I woke up at 7:30 all on my own, and I'm about to drive an hour out for a ballet class. I am a little worried since this is a regular advanced ballet class and not an adults intermediate class. My body isn't REALLY ready for this but I just have to push it. Especially my petite allegro, for some reason my brain has been having trouble understanding it again. I swear it's more of a mental than a physical issue. But I will get there!

Right now the plan is to take lyrical on Mondays, do bikram the rest of the week, and do ballet on Saturdays, schedule permitting. I wish that said I was going to take ballet class every day but I just don't know how to make it work. It is SO expensive and lets be real, the classes are usually too relax for my purposes when you get to an adult level. I can take classes in Poolesville (although it's far out) at least weekly but I wish that was daily... I could try one day to leave work at 2:30 to get there but I worry it'll be pushing my luck in more ways than one. Technically I work a 9-5 although my schedule generally runs more of an 7:30-3:30 kinda thing. I'd literally have to get into work at 6:30am in order to leave at 2:30 and possibly make the 3:30 class in MD. That plus I'd have to deal with glares from everyone in the office, and their moms. But I'm going to see what I can do. I really need class 6 days a week to get back myself. I don't mind making the time commitment.

Right now I'm a bit torn. It feels great to be back in the dance saddle. I still feel nervous and never know what to expect from my body today but I'm trying. The schedule is far from perfect but it's better than nothing! Maybe when the new year rolls around I'll try to make some more changes.... Change, change, change.

Life is fluid, people move, grow, evolve, CHANGE. And that's a good thing right? If we were stagnant and unchanging I might be a bit worried. But change can be hard to accept also. Like when friends move away, or friends you've made at a job change career paths, or you make drastic changes to your life like adopting a healthy lifestyle, or having a baby... Change happens, it's inevitable, and it's good. I say bring it on bitches! I sure hope this ballet class goes well today. The studio I'm going to today knew me back in my ballet prime. I'm so grateful to be able to take classes there, but I'm also nervous. Now i'm about 6 years older, and 6 more years out of practice and shape... It's going to be embarrassing, I know that much. But I hope it's okay and I don't die! Just my last thoughts for the morning. Now I need to leave to make sure I get there on time to actually take class!

Much love as always!

Harmony

Live, Laugh, Love.

Okay I wrote this post now LAST Thursday.... Didn't realize that I hadn't actually posted it... Sheesh! I have a few different thoughts swirling through my brain today, so I figured with this rare slowish day here at work it was high time to write another blog post.. I would've written one (you like how I'm pretending to actually have readers that I have to hold myself accountable to? AH the humor) last weekend but with the beautiful wedding I was a part of I just did not have the time! Yet here we are, it's a Thursday already and the weekend is practically here all over again. Hard to believe that just a week ago we were heading to Stafford for the wedding rehearsal and I was able to see my lovely friend who lives in Cali again. The wedding last weekend was beautiful and magical and I had a wonderful time. The whole bridal party was a really great group of people so it made for good company and happy times. There were of course also many tears (of joy), and just some moments too adorable to explain. Much fun was had by all! Of course I was DD so some may have had a little extra fun... But below are just some of the many pics from the photobooth! It was hard to choose just a few, so many of them are amazing!

Okay that's enough shenanigans, I think you get the idea. It really was a beautiful wedding. With all of the beautiful people in these pictures and seeing so much love coming together in one place I've been thinking a lot about this life that we live, the people in it and just how damn lucky I am.

It's funny because I had the intention of writing a post about how grateful I am for all of my friends and family and the amazing people in my life and lo and behold it seems to be a trend going around. An attitude of gratitude is how I try to life my life. Just like everyone else I of course become pissy and ungrateful. I take for granted the amazingness that is my life and complain about things. But this does no one any good. I am the owner of my fate. This is MY life after all and if I'm not responsible for it's success then who the hell is? I mean sure okay I have a belief in a higher power and I do believe that everything happens for a reason and all that. But me, my essence, my being, how I react to what happens in my life- that's all on ME. And it's true for you too my readers. Take your life and your fate into your own hands and just do your very best with it.

If you want to be fit, than exercise. Hey you may never be a marathon runner, or a buff ass figure model, but work with what you have and try your best. If you want to be a yoga competitor or a ballet dancer (sound familiar?) than freaking take classes! You might fail, hell you may fall flat on your ass, but you'll never know if you don't TRY.

I'm sorry for going off on a ranty tangent yet again but I really want to get this point across: you have the power to shape your life. Your life belongs to no one else but YOU. SO TAKE CONTROL OF IT DAMN IT!

Alright I'm putting the soapbox away... I love my friends and my family. Sure, things aren't always perfect and i'm not going to feel blessed everyday but with an attitude of gratitude, I can be a happier me. No matter the circumstance. I leave you with this quote from The Secret by Rhonda Byrne:

"Begin your day by feeling grateful. Be grateful for the bed you just slept in, the roof over your head, the carpet or floor under your feet, the running water, the soap, your shower, your toothbrush, your clothes, your shoes, the refrigerator that keeps your food cold, the car that you drive, your job, your friends. Be grateful for the stores that make it so easy to buy the things you need, the restaurants, the utilities, services, and electrical appliances that make your life effortless. Be grateful for the magazines and the books that you read. Be grateful for the chair that you sit on, and the pavement that you walk on. Be grateful for the weather, the sun, the sky, the birds, the trees, the grass, the rain, and the flowers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Love and kisses,

Harmony

Autumn Nights

"I heard the wind rustling the leaves on the trees outside, making their newly crunchy brown existence fall to the ground. I felt the cool autumn breeze come through the window lightly brushing my curtains forward into the room revealing the crimson autumn sunset outside. For a moment my warm indoor sanctuary became one with the cool autumn evening outside. I intuitively cuddled closer to him, his body both comforting and warming. I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent: fresh apple cider along with a light smell of nature mixed with his natural scent. It's in these moments that I appreciate having all of my senses. In this very moment I am enjoying smell, hearing, vision and physical feeling. All I was missing right now was a sense of taste. I quickly kissed him than took a sip of my warm apple cider. I felt entirely content in this space of time. This moment right here, right now. I may not feel content forever, but right now I'm choosing to fully experience this moment with every one of my senses. This is the essence of bliss." I hope you enjoyed that very tiny short scene above I wrote for you. I am so excited about this recipe that I wanted to post it to my blog right away! But I first wanted to paint a picture for you with my words. It's amazing how using a small amount of creativity can morph into mountains of creativity that you forgot even existed within you. Anyway, onto the important stuff - Spiked (or not spiked) Homemade Apple Cider! I was inspired to make apple cider at home and then spike it with the delightfully cinnamon-y whiskey: Fireball. I surely hope you enjoy this! Also if you want to mix it up you could make the apple cider along with pumpkin puree and have a delicious pumpkin version of the same drink! Recipe is below! I apologize for my terrible photography skills...

-Homemade Spiked Apple Cider-

Ingredients:

5 Cups Fresh Apple Juice

1/4 tsp Ground Nutmeg

1/4 tsp Ground Cloves

1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon (or more to taste)

3 Allspice Berries

9 tbs Fireball Whiskey (optional)

Add all ingredients into a pot and heat till boiling, stirring occasionally. Once juice is simmering set timer for 10 minutes and continue to stir on occasion keeping a close eye on it. If you are omitting the fireball whiskey I recommend adding at least twice as much cinnamon while this simmers.

Once the 10 minutes are up, strain the cider through a cheese cloth. In each mug add 3 tbs of fireball whiskey (add less or more if you'd like - 2 tbs is equal to one shot - we found this to be a good taste ratio). If you want to serve cold then serve over ice. We enjoy this warm on a cool autumn evening.

Again I'm no professional recipe developer, but I was inspired and this turned out great! Have a cup of this cider with some Cinnamon Chocolate Swirl Banana Bread from The Paleo Kitchen. (Both the recipe and the book are linked BTW) Enjoy!

Mysterious Ways

The line currently playing through my head over and over is from the new Ed Sheeran song Thinking Out Loud that says "I'm thinkin bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe with just the touch of a hand. Well me, I fall in love with you every single day...". There are so many lines in that song that I just LOVE. Plus his gorgeous voice and the melody. I've been listening to it nonstop. You should really go listen to it and watch the video because there are some seriously killer dance moves up in thurr as well. That's where today's title is from. And that's where I am today. It's kinda gloomy and rainy outside, I'm at work, and just loving this song. I really just LOVE it. #swoon When I listen to it I gets chills, and think about how lucky I am to have an amazing man in my life. We're coming up on our 5 YEAR marriage anniversary which is on Tuesday October 14th. Originally we wanted to take a trip at the end of October to celebrate but we put in our passport applications a bit too late so it looks like we'll be going early next year, maybe in January or February, we'll see! Regardless we have a long weekend coming up for Columbus Day and I'm excited to spend it with him doing something or other! I also might go to a winery with some of my work friends. Also it looks like I might be baby sitting my bestie's son. He's so cute, he makes me want a baby of my own. Like now. OH and I'm lucky enough to have been selected as a bridesmaid in my friend Lauren's wedding which is next weekend. So there's a lot of busyness coming up very soon. We are meeting this weekend to hash out some of those final details. I can be so mushy sometimes it blows my mind. Literally while driving in the car yesterday I was thinking about Lauren and David getting married, and just how happy I am for them and started crying a little. Not bad crying by any means. But just little happy tears. I really only get like this when I'm alone. I have trouble showing my softy touchy side when I'm around other people. Dunno why. Maybe a defense mechanism or something, who knows! But hot damn talk about silly girly crying. But I really am so happy for them. For realz.

Moving on...

Right now is that awkward 'in between' season where not ALL of your normal TV shows are back on but they're gradually making their way back into the screen through cable, hulu, netflix and otherwise. I watch a lot of shows so it's pretty exciting to see them all come back and actually have new episodes sitting in my hulu queue. Also over the past month or so I've watched an entire season of Supernatural, Psych, and almost the entire SERIES (season 1-7) of Californication. I'm not quite done with that one yet though, but still... Pretty impressive no? That's what I've been doing instead of blogging and cleaning...

Also  football is in full swing and we've been going out to enjoy happy hour and watching the games a lot. OH and amazing cider discoveries at Total Wine- The Fall Harvest Woodchuck tastes just like Apple Pie! Yay for apple and squash season!

     

The seasons are a changing! The color of the leaves are starting to change, kids are back in school, the future looks bright and gosh I have to wear a jacket outside! I LOVE autumn. I used to hate it... Like really I hated it because it meant that the weather was gonna start getting cold which is just yuck right? But what a pessimistic way of looking at a season. While I must admit that I still loathe the winter time and all the cold sadness it brings, I've learned to love and enjoy the in between time. I now appreciate so much about autumn. Cute autumn decor for my house, nice burgundy and rich orange colors, leather jackets, regular jackets and blazers, cute boots and scarfs… Gosh I mean the weather is beautiful! Lightly chilly but not freezing. We're not at winter hats and mittens yet (THANK GOD). This season reminds me of new beginnings. New and exciting things are to come. Time for change and forward progression. Life goes on. Summer ALWAYS ends and autumn always comes (at least if you live in this area).

Speaking of new beginnings a few personal notes on this topic:

1) I am back on track with my eating! YAY! I'm finally getting back to SUPER clean eating after a small break of not AS clean eating. Woop! I am back on the wagon ladies and gents.

2) I've been thinking a lot about my future... Doing research and contacting people in hopes of taking ballet classes again. I want to perform. I need to perform. In theory I'd like to join a small ballet company but first and foremost I need to get back into the studio for plain ol' class. It's been WAY TOO LONG and I miss it. I'm trying to make this happen but gosh it's so much harder than it sounds. Plus the thought of taking class literally gives me anxiety. I care WAY too much about what other people think.

3) I've been THINKING about partaking in a bikram yoga competition in January... The studio I attend Pure Om Fairfax is starting competition training... And gosh I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to give it a try. I din't expect to place, I know I'm not the best, but I still think it would be a fun and awesome challenge. But I worry SO much about people judging me. I worry about telling the instructors that I'm interested and maybe they will think I'm crazy for wanting to try. Maybe they'll call me out for not attending class often enough or not having a practice that's "regular" enough. I don't know... But it's swirling in my head!

4) I got a new piercing! I got my tragus pierced. My beautiful sister in law Johanna has had her's pierced for years. I wanted to get a cool funky piercing and after weighing my options I decided that I wanted to get it pierced too. And I apologized for copying her now years after the fact. The piercing place gave me $10 off my next piercing. I'm thinking of getting my cartilage re-pierced on the opposite ear (I had it done with a piercing gun last time instead of with a needle-TERRIBLE idea... It was infected nonstop) and getting the third hole on my left ear to match my right ear. You wanted all these details right? ANYWAY it's exciting. I haven't gotten anything pierced since my belly button and that was in 2008. So yeah. The day after I got my tragus pierced (which also in case you were wondering did not hurt very badly at all) it bled kind of a lot. But Google tells me that's normal and I'll be alright... Progression of the pics below from left to right... Minutes after getting it done, the day after, then bleeding the day after, and finally, TODAY...

   

I have been cleaning the piercing twice daily, first with a warm epsom salt soak, than I spray with an organic raw apple cider vinegar and water mixture. 1 part ACV to 2 parts H2O should do. I didn't want to use anything unnatural on my ear and I think it's doing quite well!

5) I want to start this one off by saying that my husband Ernest pretty much hates tattoos. However, when our precious puppy Lulu was hit by a car at the young age of 2 and died a few years ago (it'll be 3 years on Jan 26th) he agreed that I could get a small one to commemorate her. There were other conditions to this as well, but I won't go into those! Long story short, I planned out a tiny paw print outline for my wrist but never went through with it. I have recently picked back up with the tattoo planning for my wrist but I'm thinking of going in a different direction. I loved my dog, and I will love the rest of the dogs I own (at least I sure as hell think I will) but I worry that a paw print tattoo- however meaningful- can be cheesy. Now if you have a paw print tattoo, please take no offense, I am just speaking for myself and my body. Because of this I have a lot of pressure to make this one tiny tattoo encompass all the meaning I need it to. Including love for my husband, my pets, my future children, myself, and this life... So I've been doodling and pinning. We'll see where it all goes! New beginnings right!

6) My coworker (and friend) and I were looking into possible career growth plans and we are both sort of interested in contracts. I already do some work with contracts and she and I looked up a certificate program which got us both super excited! However, the excitement quickly dwindled for reasons I can't speak of in a public setting... But why do life and career choices have to be so damn hard sometimes? Blahh

7) Another of my friends and coworker's had pretty major surgery last week on the chest area and I (and many of her other close friends and family) was helping her with the recovery. It's pretty cool to help someone make their life better. Not that I really did ANYTHING but making the tough decision to make a big change to make yourself happier (wow I just said "make" way too many times). Inspiring no? It can be so hard to know what we want and to just get over our fears and go for it. She's super happy now and damn I think she was brave as hell. I hope to have the same bravery in different ways for myself...! Like the whole ballet and bikram thing I mentioned above...

8) My car was rear ended in July (see below) and I've been going to the chiropractor 3 times a week pretty much since then. I am so happy to say that today was my last day of therapy on my neck and shoulders! This feels like an accomplishment at this point. Lame I know, but it's something. Also my car is finally back in tip top shape. YAY! :)

I suppose that's it for now really. I have some recipes to post for you my readers, and at some point and I promise I will get around to doing it.... At least eventually...! OH I should have my first Stitchfix waiting for me when I get home! I post about that more in detail later! If you actually take the time to read my ramblings, just know that I do in fact appreciate it...! I do! So thank you.

MUAH! Until we meet again.... Harmony

Here We Gooooo

I'm suffering from writers block and a lack of creativity big time. I've started writing multiple blog posts but they just haven't been "working". I hope to finish those up (they have some recipes and a bunch of fun tid bits so keep an eye out for those!) and get them posted but right now I just feel like I NEED to put something new out there. Sometimes life gets like this... We get into slumps, go down dark paths, or we just go slightly off course and sometimes we just feel lazy and don't care. At the end of August I was at a place where I was on my A game with my diet. This has been a very healthy and successful summer for me! I had completed two 21DSD's almost 2 months in a row, plus a 30 day bikram yoga challenge. I was going to bed early and getting epic amount of sleep. I was trying SO hard, making so much effort... Keeping my house super clean, just all over all around being really freaking productive. Really. Anyway, apparently along with the beginning of this blog and my birthday I've kind let that go a bit. I've been eating sugar again (not in large amounts but STILL), i've been drinking again (also not in large amount but STILL), which are both bad for my insulin regulation. Tisk tisk on me. I've been eating gluten free items instead of grain free far too often and generally I just have been lazy. Too lazy to write a full blown creative and witty blog post. Too lazy to do any cleaning at home beyond the basics... Too lazy to do much beyond watching Netflix in the evenings and going to and from work. Oh yes then there's work. Work has been CRAZY busy. I feel like I've been working nonstop and at the end of the day guess what? I still have more work to do. I do have some really amazing coworker friends whom I LOVE! They make it all so much better, but still work is work. This post is in no way meant to be taken as a complaint or anything like that. I am a happy person, and I do honestly love my life. I just really honestly felt like I needed to get SOMETHING out there on this blog before it dies. I don't want it to die. I like what I've started here and I hope to continue and grow it. For now I can honestly say that I am so happy I took the time out to write this. I'm happy to get something out of my brain onto electronic paper. It feel good. It feels right. So thank you my fictitious readers for existing in a way that I need you to today. In a way that I can rely on.

Thank you thank you.

Hugs and loves- Harmony

Third Time's the Charm

Third times supposed to be the charm right? Well I can’t say that’s true for everything since sometimes the first times perfect and who knows maybe the third is your worst attempt yet! That may indeed be the case with this post as I feel a strong lack of direction already. But hey… Here’s to hoping *raises cup of tea towards screen* Last week must've been a rather eventful week for me because I’ve found myself wanting to write a new blog post daily… But I’m trying to space them out a bit and leave at least a day or two between posts!! No one wants to read this much stuff coming out of my brain and I’m okay with that. I’m not sure if I mentioned in earlier posts but a few weekends ago I was out of town in NC with some of my lady friends and we participated in a fun bachelorette party with sunburns, ocean water, hot tubs, drinking -lots of it- some good ol ‘never have I ever’ and skinny dipping. All in all it was a great weekend despite the fact that I was actually not really looking forward to it beforehand. Sometimes my brain gets in a funk and I just have to deal with it and move on.

Moving on… Before leaving for the trip I had the bottoms of my hair highlighted a lighter blonde to create an ombre effect. I love how it turned out! This is one of the few ways I still use chemicals… (plus perfume and eye makeup) I get my hair professionally colored. Typically this is all dandy but with being at the beach and having all sorts of sun and waters drying out my hair I wanted to add some moisture back into it. So I put coconut oil in my hair. If you ‘no poo’ let me just say DON’T PUT OILS IN YOUR HAIR. I have yet to have a good experience with putting oils in my hair while no pooing because it doesn’t freaking wash out. You’ll have oily ass hair for days. DAYS I SAY! I promise I have a point behind this… I was walking around with hair that looked almost wet yet dry at the same time and gosh my hair felt gross…. At least to me. I didn’t exactly ask other people to touch it so who knows what they would think. ANYWAY I whipped out my hand dandy laptop and googled some oil free hair masks that are compatible with no pooing. And this blog is what I found: ALMOST EXACTLY.

I decided to go with the one containing ingredients I already had on hand… That’s avocado, ripe banana,  raw honey, and ACV. I drew a bath with Epsom salts (I do this almost every night before bed to get a dose of magnesium and relax) while putting the goop in my hair. It smelled pretty gross and looked quite yucky as well… As you can see below...

But hey I want nice hair so I’m willing to make the sacrifice. Get ready to see a lot of pictures of my face… And hair. Since I documented my step by step process in pictures! Get excited.

I sat in the bath watching The League for about 20mins than proceeded to RINSE the mask out of my hair per the instructions. I repeat: rinse. I rinsed for about 15mins or so just to make sure I got all of the goop out. I towel dried my hair and went to bed. When I woke up I quickly realized that I wouldn’t be able to wear my hair down until I no pooed again so I just put it in a nifty little fishtail braid. I can post later on how to do these but there are a bunch of great YouTube tutorials like this one you can watch to learn! That’s what I did a few years ago! Regardless, in my opinion I THINK this might have worked better if I had no pooed afterwards which I obviously didn't realize. But my hair could just be defective too. Totally possible.

And finally after doing bikram three times, Rinsing my hair twice and no pooing twice, these are my results… My hair does feel softer which is nice. I just wish the softness had come sooner like right after I performed this (kinda yucky) hair treatment… But hey now I know for the next time!

My coworkers took me out to a late birthday lunch at coastal flats on Tuesday (9/9/14) so it’s too bad my hair didn’t look ballin then. But I’ll survive I think. The food was delicious- I got a goat cheese and pecan salad and added rare tuna steak to it. SO YUM! I didn’t catch a picture because the lighting was terrible, my bad guys. I think there have been enough pictures in this post anyway. Lastly, Addy cakes got a bath:

And guess what? Addy no poo’s ALSO! That’s right… I use baking soda and ACV to clean my dog and her coat is freaking fantastic. Helps with itchiness and is a flea repellant also. That’s a win, win, win, win I think. No chemicals for me, no chemicals for my dog…. At least as much as I can…

Okie too much rambles here, I hope you found this post somewhat entertaining and/or helpful! Now on to greener pastures…. Speaking of green pastures and fermented cod-liver oil (the two things are synonymous in my mind) I think I might write about supplements next…! We’ll see where my brain takes us! But don't hold me to it!

Xo Harmony!

It takes two baybayy

Hello there again! I hope you enjoyed my first post, from here on out I’ll try to mix things up a little bit. I’m going to give you the past few days in review and try not to get too long winded! Who knows I might throw in some more tid bits here and there but I’m still new to this blogging thing and trying to figure out where I fit into this blogosphere and where I want things to go. Okay well I worked from home on Monday and the hubs and I went to Glory Days for a post birthday Happy Hour to watch the Monday night football game. It was Giants Vs Lions (I’m a patriots fan so you can stop reading right now if that offends you). Full disclosure here: I’m in a fantasy football league with my husband and some of our friends. I’m the only female in the league and last year I did HORRIBLY despite honestly having a pretty good lineup. We just finished week one with the games last night in which I had two players (Victor Cruz on the Giants and Larry Fitzgerald on the Cardinals) in play. They’re normally awesome players mind you best yesterday? They each only get me TWO POINTS! Needless to say I lost my game this week. My team is where good player’s careers come to die.

Another important note, while blogging and working from home yesterday (Monday) I had the show “The League” on all day in the background. That show makes me want to be amazing at fantasy football and gosh just makes me want to learn more about all the individual players. Super crude show. Also super funny if you like that sort of thing. But I’ll say it’s not for the sensitive type as it’s a bit… UH let’s say ‘out there’. But I love it! This is what I get for growing up with only brothers… Some guy like tendencies and sense of humor.

                                                                           

Okay enough about that… SO back to Happy Hour… I was not a very good healthy example at Happy Hour! I had two tall Angry Orchards (Gluten Free Apple Cider) on tap (they were only $3.99! Too good to pass up!) and I decided to splurge since it was my birthday and on my birthday the craziest thing I ate was freaking SUSHI. Which yeah, not so crazy besides the rice and sugar they put in the rice mixture. But I digress…. At happy hour we went with some boneless grilled wings (I’m sure the sauce had some sugar and crap in it) off the gluten free menu and I got a USDA Prime Beef and Bacon Burger on a Gluten Free bun with a side of steamed veggies. No condiments and no cheese. Now normally I’m SO good about being grain free. But again back to the whole wanting a birthday splurge thing, so I got a GF bun damn it! Now here’s where it really gets bad… We got a Gluten Free Chocolate Torte for dessert. Yes I know haters gonna hate, but it was quite yummy! You know what the funny thing is though?

               

I had so convinced myself that I was missing out on these things that I wasn’t eating that I thought having moderately SAFER or healthier versions of them would make me happy. In reality while eating them I realized that I would’ve been just as happy if not happier with a damn lettuce wrap. I also would’ve been totally happy not having the dessert. I’m not taking back the drinks though, those I enjoyed the hell out of to the last drop.

But I ended up feeling gross. My body physically felt gross because I ate lord only knows how many shitty things for me in those dishes, but then there came the guilt. The ‘why the hell did I do that to myself?’ I know feeling guilt about food is wrong, but my relationship with food is oh so complicated. I currently have an amazing relationship and control over my healthy food. My paleo/primal/ REAL FOOD lifestyle is awesome. I’m super happy with it honestly, despite the occasional frustrations and the fact that I’m still getting to know my body and working out the kinks it does make me happy living this way.

That being said I’m not over feeling guilt when I “cheat” on my ‘diet’ (I hate calling it a diet). For me “cheating” can even mean having something sweeter than a green apple or a green tipped banana (from 21DSD). I have hormone problems that I THINK are related to insulin, and my thyroid, therefore I try to avoid sugar in every way shape and form. I also take some supplements but I'll go into that another time. I feel good when eat this way. Sometimes I honestly don’t know the difference. But I know when I eat something sugary I feel bad which tells me something.

Then of course there are the breakouts. Possibly for me the MOST frustrating part of my “cheats”. It’s frustrating to see people being extremely unhealthy but having perfect skin. That’s literally 99% of the people I encounter in life. I love those people (at least the ones I know) but man! How annoying is that!? What I wouldn’t give to just have clear skin WHILE being healthy and making good choices. Sometimes the bodies we’re given feel like a freaking curse. But in other ways I know that I’m super blessed with my body. Who knows, if it wasn’t acne than maybe I would struggle with something else? Who’s to say really…?

Regardless this went in a direction I didn’t initially intend! One last note on my complicated relationship with food and why I like to describe it as complicated. If you remember from my previous post, I’m a ballet dancer on the inside. I may not dance regularly currently but there’s no getting that out of your system. I had YEARS of constant dieting in unhealthy ways and still never feeling good enough. I had years that I just knew I was huge (I wasn’t actually) but I couldn’t get over that. I’m glad to be in a better, healthy place now but there’s still a little person inside who’s terrified of getting fat. These things take time to heal and I’ll get there.

Sheesh I wanted a lighthearted post talking about just how much fun I genuinely had with my husband at happy hour (and boy did I have fun) but this took a different turn. Eating what I did was a liberating experience because realized that I’m NOT missing out. I’m making the decisions I want to make and they’re good ones. I’m doing what’s best for me and I don’t need to justify this to people, nor do I need their approval to eat what I know is best for me. I don’t need the crap in general. Period.

So my fictional readers, today appreciate your diet. Whether it be healthy or maybe not so healthy. Embrace the fact that we’re here on this earth and we can CHOOSE what we freaking eat. We are privileged as hell to even have information available to us to make good decisions. Don’t be ignorant, do your research. Care enough to think about what you’re putting into your life machine-your body. And just because you “can’t” eat things that others “can” doesn’t always mean you’re deprived. You may surprise yourself and realize that the things you keep wishing you could go back to eating and fanaticizing about… *Hold on make sure you’re sitting down for this one* aren’t actually as magical as you remember them to be. Sometimes, you might not even like them anymore because you KNOW BETTER, and so do your taste buds. And you like better. Hell, you LOVE better. And honestly that’s all we can ever strive to be: better than we were before. Don’t strive for perfection, perfection is in an opinion. Strive for your personal better, strive for forward progress or upward progress, or sideways progress but strive for progress. Live for your happiness, not a happiness defined by anyone OR anything else. Strive for YOU.

Rant over *drops mic and walks off stage*

Xo! Harmony